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PerfectPussy86 37F
0 posts
12/3/2019 11:54 am
Question to you about D/s relationship and vanilla side....


I am interested, who else there is in a D/s relationship where the other person is also your bf/gf/husband/wife?

I ask because (and I could be completely off the mark here) I am seeing a percentage of people on here who keep their BDSM side away from their vanilla life. It could be they don’t want to see their partner as anything other than equal. There are lots of other reasons as well of course. Please note I am not here to judge anyone all. I have had previous subs who were married so this isn’t about judgement, purely an inquisitive question.

I am in a relationship with my Master. To the outside world, we are bf and gf, and we seem to have fallen into our roles very naturally. I am not silly and know it isn’t going to be easy and probably lots of hard times ahead but what relationship is easy right?
So keen to hear people’s opinions on this. I get both sides of the argument. I know men who discovered BDSM long after they married and their wives haven’t had any interest. I also know people whose partners know about their kinky needs and allow they to satisfy them with others.

There isn’t a right answer here, because everyone is different so if you read someone’s comment and don’t agree, don’t be mean or judgemental, I’ll just delete the comment. Just accept it as someone else’s opinion.

DancingDom 74M
22475 posts
12/3/2019 2:14 pm

You will find that there is a myriad of relationships. Some of which you have indicated. You post seems to indicate that you are surprised that there are married couples and boyfriend/girlfriends (could be man/man or Female/female too). I know quite a few relationships where the dom and sub are married or take on the significant other roles. Some of those are exclusive to their partners and some are not. My best friends have been in a dom/sub relationship for 45 years and they have been married 32. I myself have had significant others who were submissive to me. Including a marriage. For myself, I don't think I woudl have a vanilla relationship and a dom/sub one on the side.

"One Big Sky Covers Us All Equally"


PerfectPussy86 replies on 12/3/2019 11:55 pm:
Not surprised no, I just wanted to hear about all situations as I find it fascinating. I think people are too quick to want to put everyone in a certain box, where actually every relationship is different. Thanks so much for sharing your views.

Wetstickykiss 64M

12/3/2019 2:41 pm

In my experience, a really hot, naughty D/s relationship can make the vanilla side really passionate. Something about being that open with each other can be really romantic. I actually LOVE making love and talking about all the naughty, dirty things we just did.


PerfectPussy86 replies on 12/4/2019 12:00 am:
I 100% agree with this. My Master and I have such a lovely relationship outside the kinky world, although we both know the D/s side runs very deep with us. I have never been so open with someone though and I do believe it is because kink has meant I am striped down to my soul and meant I have no where to hide

Bumtingler 64M
63 posts
12/3/2019 2:44 pm

It's an interesting question. there is a natural assumption sometimes to think that anyone married but looking for a BDSM partner is only using it as an excuse for extra marital sex. and yet, as you have alluded to, there are many who have discovered their Dom/sub side after getting married and don't want to put their vanilla marriage at risk. I, for one, fall into that category. My partner has no interest in BDSM, whilst my interest has grown and I find the mental stimulation of a D/s relationship exhilarating. In many ways it is a more symbiotic relationship as both partners derive the kind of pleasure that really heightens their sense of wellbeing. Provided both parties are clear about what they are seeking, I think those partnerships can work well.


PerfectPussy86 replies on 12/4/2019 12:06 am:
Thanks for response, yes I believe I have spoken to more people who fall into your category as well. Perhaps I was lucky that I found my true calling in kink before I found my significant other...it has meant I am able to be fully "selfish" and only think of my needs - although dont think selfish is the right word there as sounds too negative.

KINDMASTERMIAMI 55M
15 posts
12/3/2019 3:04 pm

I personally like to be in full time. Nothing like a good submissive woman who can flip the switch on a special code word.
It's nice to be in a relationship with a submissive woman who is also submissive in her day to day routine.


PerfectPussy86 replies on 12/4/2019 12:12 am:
I am the same as you...bit of an all or nothing kinda girl. I just know as soon as that collar goes on...its time to play. But I also call my Master Sir or something outside of play.

maverickthedom 47M
13 posts
12/3/2019 3:05 pm

When you have been told "N'o" so many times, you must satisfy your urges elsewhere. When those urges come out, it is always best to have a partner that also enjoys the same urges. In those situations, it is usually the sub who satisfies the urges.


PerfectPussy86 replies on 12/4/2019 12:14 am:
Well I think the most important part here is that you asked in the first place At least you tried to include even if to no avail.

hurtbreaker 41M

12/3/2019 4:00 pm

that is really interesting ... why all that happens it should be more simple


MasterMent0R 57M
1642 posts
12/3/2019 4:13 pm

I have had several as you and your Master share , Each Different in their own light , I'm very private and like my autonomy . Any relationship lifestyle or not has its boundaries between personal and private . I do not think the mechanics are much different to be honest . I never found it a problem , I have found vanilla a problem however . Its like coffee .. Give me decaf , I poor it down the sink after a taste , I like what coffee is in its fullness .
MM/~

" Life Is Like A Train " 20th Century


PerfectPussy86 replies on 12/4/2019 12:20 am:
Well everyone is different and wanting different things. I dont think there are any perfect matches and it is about compromise but it is about finding that person who you are willing to compromise for. Thanks for sharing thoughts...and hope no more decafs come along for you!

lighthouse4297 56F
1680 posts
12/3/2019 6:54 pm

I have never had a Vanilla relationship. But In my life, all of my relationships have always had both dynamics the D/s and the vanilla. I have learned to maneuver between vanilla and D/s. I cannot very well go grocery shopping in a collar and leash and there all bills to pay and kids to take places. But also having the D/s behind closed doors with my Owner. Trust and communication are always huge as I would assume in any relationship. But perhaps more so within a D/s dynamic. I think one needs to have clear expectations of what they want and what they are looking for in their partner and in the relationship.


PerfectPussy86 replies on 12/4/2019 12:24 am:
Lucky you to have found kink from an early age then, if never had purely vanilla. I always wondered why my previous relationships failed...and then after finding this world I understood why. I always wanted to give myself 100% and more to the other person...and the men often ran away scared and as it turns out, it is because I think you can go that extra mile with fully giving yourself to another human in this world. I have found my home and I love it.

Lking4mygirl 60M

12/3/2019 7:11 pm

At some level, in every relationship, there is a "pecking" order.


PerfectPussy86 replies on 12/4/2019 12:24 am:
This is true, and as long as people are on the same page then it is fine, and there is clear communication

Plzrmeister 67M  
10136 posts
12/4/2019 6:12 am

It could be they don’t want to see their partner as anything other than equal.

Does anyone ever see their partner as anything other than equal?

I certainly hope not. Granted, there is what we refer to as a 'power exchange', but I've never seen that as making one party more or less equal than the other.

Maybe I'm taking the verbiage too literally, but My first impression was, "Say what????"

It struck Me that way too. Perhaps just a matter of ceramics?

Make Women Female Again


PerfectPussy86 replies on 12/4/2019 11:05 am:
This is exactly why I wrote the post because everyone believes something different, which is so interesting. I believe that my Master and I are not equal. My place is by his side, but he is my leader, my guide and my king.

tee_lee 47F/47F
85 posts
12/4/2019 6:33 am

I have had partners/lovers in and out of the lifestyle. As I am attracted to alpha males, even in a vanilla relationship I can enrich his life. It is a different aspect/dynamic that I find satisfaction in.

I have been the muse for men who did not want to "use" their partner/wife in bondage/discipline, so i became the "whipping girl" in their place. I knew some of the women and some knew me. Two of those women I used as their partners watched.

There is myriad of things that work for different individuals/couples. I have been fortunate over the years to experience and enjoy.

Lady Lee


PerfectPussy86 replies on 12/8/2019 2:45 pm:
Sounds like you have had lots of adventures which is amazing! Thank you for sharing

xextrax 56M
123 posts
12/4/2019 9:56 am

Keep the desire separate from the wife ... just works out that way, sometimes - for both??


PerfectPussy86 replies on 12/8/2019 2:44 pm:
I can understand that. Have you ever tried it with your wife?

Plzrmeister 67M  
10136 posts
12/4/2019 2:50 pm

I believe that my Master and I are not equal.

I think you were alluding to being worth more or less as a human being when compared to your partner.

Yes, that's exactly what I was talking about..

And yet perhaps some people do consider themselves less of a person, less of a human and having less overall worth in the world than their partners.

If that's their view of themselves (or others), they're welcome to it.

Make Women Female Again


EnergyMagic 60M
61 posts
12/9/2019 1:55 pm

I'm among those who didn't have the vocabulary or the supporting experiences to go with the feelings I had for a long time. I spent a long time in
a clinically sexless marriage and thought I was was just missing sex. But when I discovered and began investigating Alt some years ago, what was originally just online play turned into a RL relationship and I realized how much I had been missing. I had never felt so alive. I wish that all of it could be within my primary relationship but kink is just not part of her nature. It is a difficult dynamic.


Amusement4You 38M

12/10/2019 8:49 am

I don't think you can really live your real life or your bdsm life unless they are intertwined and fully aware of one another. Having a divided life leaves you with two halves that do not equal the whole.


Cummerdude 64M

12/11/2019 2:22 pm

I think it is so much more gratifying to be in a D/s relationship than to have something on the side that your vanilla life partner is unaware of. No sneaking around feeling unfaithful and you get to really experience this lifestyle in a more free and open way with your partner. Authentic and real.



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