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Queen Sassys Blog

How to accept an apology
Posted:Jan 15, 2019 11:24 am
Last Updated:Jan 17, 2019 11:10 pm

How to accept an apology

It takes maturity and humility to own up to your mistakes and apologize. It also takes maturity and humility to accept an apology after you’ve been wronged.

Accepting an apology and forgiving someone often doesn’t come easily, but there are ways to go handle such situations with sincerity, mindfulness and grace.

HuffPost spoke to two etiquette experts about the process. Here are five things to keep in mind when someone is offering you an apology.


When someone is apologizing to you, it’s important to give your full attention and try to really hear what the person is saying.

“Let the person speak without interruption,” said Diane Gottsman, an etiquette expert, the author of Modern Etiquette for a Better Life and the founder of the Protocol School of Texas. Interrupting or criticizing the other person can be tempting, especially if the wounds still feel fresh, but a big first step can be hearing the person out and acknowledging the apology.

“Listening and showing forgiveness does not mean it’s OK. Showing appreciation for the effort doesn’t mean all is forgotten,” she said. “You can say, ‘I appreciate your effort to acknowledge your mistake, but I some time. I hope you will understand.’”

2.Take The Time You

If you time, it’s best to be honest about that. But you can also give it a positive spin, said Lizzie Post, a co-host of the Emily Post Institute’s “Awesome Etiquette” podcast.

“Sincerely say, ‘I really appreciate hearing that. This is something that hit me hard’ or “It really felt awkward between us. still going to a little time to process, but looking forward to when this is behind us,’” she recommended. “Give them that positive hope for the future.”

The “I more time to process” aspect is personal. “It is your own thing. The other person has recognized their faults and taken responsibility and apologized to you for that,” said Post. “So now, however long it takes for you to get over it, it’s something you are working through and to figure out.”

During this time, you can still participate in the friendship or take a break from the everyday interactions for a bit ― whatever works best for you.

3. Attention To Body Language

When you’re hearing someone’s apology, take note of the person’s body language and tone of voice.

“Body language speaks volumes,” said Gottsman. “Watch carefully to decide if the words are sincere. Your intuition will generally tell you if the apology is well intentioned.”

Put simply, apologizing requires effort, and if someone seems apathetic, you probably want to take note.

4.Try To Let It Go

“Try to get it behind you. Don’t let it fester,” Post said. “There are so many things we’ve all done in our lives that we just pray people don’t hold over us. Give your friends breaks when you can.”

If it’s truly the end of a friendship, it’s best to simply say something along the lines of, “I don’t think I can move beyond this. It’s over.” Still, from an etiquette standpoint, it’s best to give people the benefit of the doubt and offer them a second chance, Post said.

Gottsman granted that if something really egregious happened, you don’t have to forgive. “I think it’s a choice, and it’s not always appropriate to accept an apology,” she said.

“But for yourself and your own piece of mind, you have to move on,” she added. “Don’t continue to dwell on it, because if it’s eating you up, it’s toxic.” Moving on is an important part of self-care and may require counseling from a friend or professional or some other kind of help.

“It’s not being selfish. It’s about living your best life, which can’t happen when you’re filled with anger or hate,” Gottsman said. “It doesn’t mean you have to be friends again, but you can accept the effort and go on with your life.”

5.Be Mindful Of Repeat Offenders

“Don’t trust a repeat offender,” said Gottsman. “Let them know you don’t have any intention of sharing another confidence but you will let it go” — for example, for the sake of a family or business relationship.

Mistakes can be forgiven, but multiple offenses for cautiousness.

“If there’s a history and they continue to do it, then at some point in time you become part of the problem because you allow it to continue to happen,” she said. “So you have to draw some clear boundaries.”

You can be honest with the other person and say, “This has become a pattern, and it’s hurtful and uncomfortable. having a trust issue,” Gottsman recommended.

Establishing boundaries and keeping your distance doesn’t have to lead to sarcasm or a falling out, especially if it’s someone in your larger circle of friends. “You can just be pleasant but distant,” Gottsman said.
Posted:Jan 11, 2019 1:44 pm
Last Updated:Jan 17, 2019 11:10 pm


Sounds are medical instruments designed for insertion into the urethra, the tube connecting the bladder with the outside world. Basically, they are highly polished stainless steel rods with a handle and a rounded tip, and they come in sizes which are very close to each other (differing in diameter by less than half a millimeter). In a medical setting, their purpose is to gradually and gently enlarge the urethra. In the BDSM medical fetish setting they can be a source of exceptional sexual stimulation and an instrument used in 'power exchange' or submission/domination experiences.

Incidentally, the name sound is used in the sense of 'to find the depth of' in the same way a lead weight on a line is used by mariners to sound the depth of the water.

We will only cover male sound play, here. Women's sounds are shorter, for the shorter urethra, differently shaped and have their own difficulties of insertion. Women are also even more prone to infection. Some of this information may be of relevance and interest to women, but the technical aspects are largely inapplicable. Obviously, sounds intended for use on women should not be used on men, and vice versa.

A word of caution: This kind of play is not something you should engage in with someone who is inexperienced or who does not understand all the necessary precautions. Carelessness can result in infection, injury, or other traumatic problems. You should be introduced to this kind of play in the right setting by an experienced, careful person who cares enough about you to exercise all the cautions set forth herein. This document is intended to be informational, and to discourage carelessness.

The Sounds

There is a curve in the male plumbing system; the Curve on which the Van Buren sound is designed to accommodate that curve, allowing the sound to slip down the penis and into the bladder easily. The problem is that if the bottom gets hard during the process of insertion one has to wait until the erection subsides, as the curved sound cannot be inserted (or removed!) if the penis is hard. It is not recommended to negotiate the curve with the any other sounds except the Van Buren for the prostate stimulation. The Pratt Sounds can be used for the deep dilation. The Bakes Sounds, also known as Bud Sounds are great for a unique stimulation due to their bullet/rosebud shaped tip and the Hegar Sounds are the best set for beginners, since their sizes start very thin, but graduate to very thick diameters.

The diameter of sounds, catheters and some other medical instruments is expressed in the French system. One French unit (Fr) is .33 millimeters (.3 mm for ease of discussion). Thus, an instrument which is 20 Fr is 20 x .3 = 6 mm in diameter (0.24").

Most men can, without discomfort, take a much larger sound than you might imagine. That being said however, for first timers, or those who haven't done it on a regular basis, starting out with the smaller sound diameters (i.e., 10 Fr or 14fr) and work up to the larger diameters as it feels comfortable to do so. The idea, of course, is to stretch the urethra just a bit.

The following procedure for proper cleaning and "sterilizing" the sounds is based on the fact that the sounds are used by only one person**. The sounds need to be cleaned properly before and after use to prevent bladder infections. Before actual insertion, using a tissue, scrub each of the sounds with alcohol to kill any bacteria or fungi from the air or inadvertent touching.

1. After use, the sounds are washed in a hot water/soap solution (detergents remove surface Surgical Lubricant and help break down viral coats).

2. To further clean them as sterile as possible (especially for your first usage), use a long Pyrex-type "casserole" dish that should fit the longer sounds like the Buds and Sim. Never use water straight out of the tap because it contains too much chlorine and it will immediately tarnish the metals. Use a distilled water (like used in irons for ironing clothing). Boil the water in a tea kettle first, then pour the boiling water over the sounds.
3. Then rinse the sounds and allow to dry thoroughly on a clean dry towel.

4. After processing, keep the sounds in their carrying case or in a plastic container until used again. Always wipe down with an alcohol swab before using next time.

Special NOTE to clarify about sterilization:
Sterilization using a Dynaclave (or similar "pressure cooker" type high temperature vapor cleaning systems) to sterilize instruments which are used on others, such as in a doctor's office or hospital, is always a necessity. However, you will be the only one using these (we highly recommend**!!) therefore, a complete sterilization process like this is not vital.

**HIV and AIDS viruses are basically impervious to "normal" sterilizing procedures (even Dynaclave/high temperature systems), therefore, we highly recommend that Urethral Insertables, Penis Plugs, Sounds and Sound Sets be used by only one person, always! Therefore, if you play with multiple partners, use only your own set and don't let anyone else use it!

Other Equipment for Sound Play

As well as the sounds themselves, you will need:

Generous amounts of lubricant without preservatives or nonoxynol-9, which is highly irritating to the
urethra. Surgical Lubricant or any water based lube without preservatives, additives or nonoxynol-9 is recommended.
An ordinary serving tray
A sterile, or at least freshly laundered, hand towel.
A small disposable syringe approx. 10 ml
Alcohol swabs or alcohol and cotton balls or paper tissues.
Disposable gloves.
A clean washcloth and soap.

All these items are available here on see our Products section.

A quote from one of our customer's log who recently discovered urethra sound play for himself: "Yeah, I know, many of you are thinking ..."no way"..."there can't possibly be a pee hole fetish. obviously haven't experienced the orgasmic power of having something shoved several inches deep inside your pee hole. That initial feel of terror will give way to pleasure when you sink the following device deep inside your begging pee hole."

Sound Insertion Procedure

Before Beginning:

-Relax comfortably on the back on a fairly firm table or bed; being flat is better than being in a sling. If using a bed and another person is doing the insertion, position "the patient" diagonally, genitals at the very corner, legs spread and off the bed, for easy access and close proximity to the groin. Obviously, a table is easier for another person to do the insertion. If doing this alone, the bed or table will be more than adequate!
-Wash the genitals with warm water and soap; dry gently. The objective is to remove surface bacteria.
-Spread the towel on the tray; if you have used the sterilizing technique I described above, just open the
bundle. The towel in which the sounds are wrapped is ideal. DO NOT touch the sounds except by their
handles or with clean latex gloves on.
- Arrange the sounds in order of size so that you do not have to fumble around one-handed later.
- Even with the latex gloves on, be careful what you touch after this point.
-Using a swab, scrub each of the sounds with alcohol to kill any bacteria or fungi from the air or
inadvertent touching.

Insertion Technique

The technique cannot really be learned by reading about it. This article is intended to give you an idea of what is
involved and of the pleasures which are possible. It would be best for you to attend a demonstration to actually
see the procedure, and ideally to work with an experienced top to try it out, whether you are a top or a bottom.

If you are right-handed, you will manage the instruments with your right hand; your left hand will hold the penis.

As you begin, examine the penis carefully; spread the opening gently. Estimate what is the largest size
sound which will obviously fit into the opening. You want to begin with the best fitting size possible because the larger sounds are less 'pointy' and are more gentle as they slip in.

Place a small blob of surgical lubricant right at the opening of the urethra to lubricate the passage way, then place the plastic luer tipped syringe or Lube Shooter filled with Surgical lube (or your preference of lube) into the tip of the penis. There may be some sensation from the lube, however, this sensation will pass within a minute and is nothing to worry about.

Holding the penis straight up (at a 90-degree angle from the body), gently insert the first sound about an inch.
Aim slightly toward the bottom side of the penis. The sound will have a tendency to slip in just by gravity alone.
Your job is to hold it back and guide it -- don't push! If the sound stops slipping in, stretch the penis slightly by
holding onto the loose skin; this will straighten out the urethra and allow the sound to find its way.

Never push a sound in. Gravity is the only force used. Your job is merely to guide the sound and to prevent it
from dropping in too suddenly; this is especially true until you have some experience with the technique. ALWAYS remember: the penis needs to be flaccid (NOT ERECT) during insertion and removal!

When the sound has entered about an inch more than the length of the penis, change the angle of the penis:
slowly lower it toward the testicles to form approximately a 45 degree angle; gradually raise it again. This will
negotiate the curve in the plumbing and the sound will drop into the bladder. Guide the sound with gentle
manipulation of the handle; don't push! Remember, this technique is for the Van Buren J-Style sounds.
The other style of sounds do not "drop into the bladder" because they are shorter and/or designed for urethral
stimulation and dilation only. These are the Pratt, Bakes (a.k.a., Bud or Rosebud), Hegar, etc. sound sets.

Remove the sound slowly. (One bottom told me that the removal felt like "an orgasm in slow motion.") You can
move it in and out slowly if you enjoy the sensation.

After removal, if you are ready to try the next size larger, add more Surgical lubricant as before, and go on to the next larger size. Continue in this manner, going to larger sizes until feels discomfort, which is most often due to the size of the sound. This discomfort sensation will be felt as slight burning at the tip of the penis. You can tell that you have reached the optimal size when the skin at the tip of the penis begins to stick to the sound during insertion and removal, even though well lubricated. The tissue forms a slight funnel-shape as the sound is moved. Going to a larger size after this will actually stretch the urethra (It will shrink back to its original size unless this treatment is done three or four times).

When you have removed the largest sound you intend to use, gently milk the penis to remove some of the excess Surgi-lube. Prepare the sounds to be cleaned and sterilized before subsequent use.

With the Van Buren Sounds you will discover great pleasure when the sound is inserted to a certain depth and with a gentle manipulation of the sound at this point stimulating the prostate gland intensely in a way not possible through any other sexual technique.

Most enjoy seeing the insertion, especially the sound vanishing into the penis by its own weight. Many
have expressed amazement that such a large object could go so far in without pain. There is a sense of complete submission of the most intimate orifice and a voluntary vulnerability beyond any previous experience.

If sounds are used correctly, with plenty of lubrication and without exceeding the appropriate size, there should be no real pain. There may be some initial discomfort which will give way to great pleasure after the first anxious moments.

There may be some small discomfort afterward, especially if there has been stretching: there will be a slight
burning upon urination, caused by irritation of the urethral tissues. This will pass within 24 hours, and remember to drink a lot of fluids to keep the system well flushed out.

Health and Safety Problems

What if a constriction is encountered inside the penis? If the sound obviously fits through the opening of the
penis but will not pass easily when it is inserted an inch or two, the likely cause is a band of scar tissue caused
by a previous bout of gonorrhea. This scar tissue in the urethra doesn't stretch easily; so it's recommend to use
only sizes of sounds which will pass this constriction easily. There are many tiny capillaries which surround the
urethra, blood vessels finer than a hair. When capillaries are stretched, they will sometimes leak a few blood
cells; these tinge the lubricant a light pink. This is not something to worry about. But it is a good sign that you
should probably stop for this session and resume another day.

One important caution: many often feel a strong urge to masturbate when a sound has been inserted. This must be avoided because of the likelihood of injury. The insertion of sounds produces such unusual and erotic feelings, however, control is important. Control the reflex for masturbation and do not use the sounds roughly or with force.

Infection is the most likely complication; but following the above procedures rigorously should prevent any infection problems. Shortly after the session, there will most likely be a strong urge to urinate; there may be only a little urine. This suggests only that you have stimulated the nerves which signal a full bladder. By drinking a lot of fluids, this will allow the bladder to flush out any potential bacteria. There may be a slight burning sensation upon urination for the first 12-24 hours; this signals only that you have irritated the urethra a bit. But if the burning continues, or if there is a strong need to urinate which continues for more than 24 hours, there may be a bladder infection.

If infection does occur, it can be unpleasant, but is rarely a problem if medical help is sought and normally
responds well to antibiotics. The symptoms, normally developing within a couple of days of play, include
discomfort in the bladder, a constant urge to urinate, cloudy urine and maybe feverish or a feeling of being
under the weather. Visit a doctor or a genito-urinary/STD clinic, swallow your embarrassment and tell them what
the most likely cause is. Don't put off going: infections can cause serious problems if allowed to take hold.
Make sure you're fully recovered before indulging in sound play again, and indeed any other sort of urethral or
piss play.

Compiled and edited by Medical Toys, with thanks to The Deviants Dictionary and the BDSM f.a.q. list for this info!
"Elements of an Apology"
Posted:Jan 10, 2019 1:46 pm
Last Updated:Jan 17, 2019 11:10 pm

Rudeness is inexcusable in both dominants and submissives. Even if a master orders his slave to get refreshments, the slave cannot push aside people in her way or cut in line. And a dominant may not touch someone else's property -- or even an unattached submissive -- without permission. A dominant or submissive who is rude should apologize -- truly apologize.

In "Elements of an Apology" at, the late Tammad Rimilia describes a proper apology:

... the elements of an apology are these:

1) A restatement of what it was that you did that was wrong,

2) A statement that you regret doing that wrong thing, and

3) A promise to try not to do similar things wrong in the future.

The first element allows the recipient of the apology to feel confident that the apologist is actually thinking about the same event or act that they are. The second element conveys that the apologist is keenly sorry for what they did, and the third element gives hope that the future will proceed better.

... an apology does not feel sincere unless it incorporates all three elements.

In addition to the elements which Tammad Rimilia lists, etiqutte expert Llewellyn Miller offers the following:

Acknowledging the offense
Recognizing your responsibility
Explaining why you made the mistake
Acknowledging the pain or discomfort you've caused
Showing sincere regret and genuine concern over the injury
Apologizing for the pain or discomfort
Attempting or offering to rectify the situation

A real apology does not put the blame on the injured party or someone else. A real apology does not emphasize the excuse over the regret. A real apology is not delivered in a manner that trivializes the offense.

Marsha L. Wagner offers an excellent illustration on the difference between a poor apology and a proper apology: The New York Senator Alfonse M. D'Amato mocked Judge Ito on the radio by referring to him as "Little Judge Ito" and adopting an offensive stereotypical Japanese sounding accent. The senator was widely criticized for what seemed like racial slurs and he was encouraged to apologize. In his first attempt, he issued a brief written statement through his office:

If I offended anyone, sorry. I was making fun of the pomposity of the judge and the manner in which he's dragging the trial out.

That only made the situation worse so he apologized again. This time he made the following statement personally:

here on the Senate floor to give a statement as it relates to that episode. It was a sorry episode. As an Italian-American, I have a special responsibility to be sensitive to ethnic stereotypes. I fully recognize the insensitivity of my remarks about Judge Ito. My remarks were totally wrong and inappropriate. I know better. What I did was a poor attempt at humor. I am deeply sorry for the pain that I have caused Judge Ito and others. I offer my sincere apologies.

The second apology was acceptable where the first was not.

In summary, a full apology consists of the following:

Acknowledging the offense
Admitting that the offense was wrong
Explaining why you made the mistake
Recognizing your responsibility
Acknowledging the pain or discomfort you've caused
Showing sincere regret and genuine concern over the injury
Promising to try not to make the same mistake in the future. (Or in the case of major betrayals, never to make the same mistake again.)
Apologizing for the discomfort or pain
Attempting or offering to rectify the situation
Safer BDSM - Golden Shower
Posted:Jan 7, 2019 1:37 pm
Last Updated:Jan 11, 2019 11:46 am

Safer BDSM - Golden Shower

Golden Showers (GS) (also known as Watersports (WS)) is a quite often mentioned and many questions are asked about it, esp. concerning health issues.

First of all, what is it about?
GS is a slang term for the practice of erotic peeing in order to enhance sexual intimacy. It is sometimes involved in D/s play as an act of humiliation also.

Why do people do it?
There are mainly two aspects - some consider it a "dirty" act and esp. that makes it so exciting. The second aspect is that you share something very intimate with someone you are very close, something you wouldn't do with a stranger.

Urine is dirty, isn't it?
Urine has a peculiar smell that we seem to instinctively shrink from. Our bodies balance our dissolved minerals by eliminating excesses. We also need to rid ourselves of a compound called urea. We instinctively know from the odor that, no matter how thirsty we are, drinking urine will render our elimination strategy useless. But that doesn't make our urine dirty - in fact - urine is nearly sterile when it leaves our body and one of our medically cleanest body fluids.
But "nearly sterile" doesn't mean it is completely innocuous - the urine can pick up bacteria from a urinary infection along the urethra (urogenital tract) (an infection you sometimes even don't notice). This might be a health aspect to be considered when you intend to drink another persons urine. Whether Hepatitis Virus can be transferred or not is still unclear.
Urine of women, who use the birth control pill, contains female hormones, which can lead to a partial feminization when being consumed by a man (a strange case has been documented, Source: - Papiertiger).

Urine is a compound of 99% water, some minerals (mostly salt, some magnesium, calcium, potassium and phosphate), uric acid, little ammonia and some vitamin C and B complex. Nothing harmful or toxic.

Yikes, but it still smells!
To prevent any "offensive" smell you or your partner shouldn't drink any alcoholic beverages, coffee or tea a few hours before you want to do it. Also food with lots of protein causes a lot of byproducts which can cause the odor. Best is to drink a lot of simple table water a few hours before you want to play.
A small amount of alcohol can be useful for dissolving inhibitions over what you plan to do. But large amounts of alcohol detract from the sexual pleasure and ability.

The use of your own morning urine is considered a great method of healing wounds and often recommended by healers/MDs lately.
Some people even drink their own morning urine as healing portion every morning.

All in all one can say it is much safer than for example anal sex which has more risks of infections and injuries.

A warning anyway, urine is a rather bad environment for HIV viruses (Human Immunodeficiency Virus), but an HIV/AIDS test should always be done if you consider things like GS with your (new) partner. An HIV test can be done rather anonymously (without visiting your local doctor) when making a blood donor. They check your blood for HIV viruses and other STDs and infections and you'll get a document.

© Nov. 1998 Ashtarot, Revised: 05/25/2002
© '97-2005 BDSM Backroom
1 comment
Red Flags
Posted:Dec 30, 2018 12:00 pm
Last Updated:Jan 17, 2019 11:10 pm

Red Flags

A "Red Flag" is any indication that you should steer clear of a particular person, either Dom/me or sub. These can pop up at any time, though most often in the beginning of a potential relationship. They can be obvious or they can be subtle. Some common examples might be:

1. Inappropriate questions or comments during the initial conversations, such as "Do you want to play?" or "What are you wearing?" or "What do you look like?" or asking for your phone number immediately, etc. Such questions have nothing at all to do with D/s, but rather indicate the person is looking for cyber or phone sex. RED FLAG!

2. Moving too quickly: if the prospective Dom/me or sub seems to be in a hurry to begin a relationship, or to advance it faster than seems reasonable or comfortable for you. Like if they want to meet you within the first 10 minutes online. Trust is the cornerstone. and cannot be rushed. Clearly, there is no arbitrary time frame, but most long-lasting relationships take several weeks if not months to build before actual contact. RED FLAG!

3. Inappropriate attitude: "bow down and worship me" those who act as if every submissive must obey every so-called Dom, and begin giving or obeying orders from the word go. Or those who have the idea that each and every Tom, Dick, and Harry must be addressed as Sir, whether they know them or not. Many subs in the chat rooms do this, but respect is worth little if it is so lightly given. Both of these attitudes and practices show a poor understanding of the true dynamics of Dominance and submission. RED FLAG!

4. Safety violations: reluctance to have a safeword or other safety precautions in place, either during the first meeting or later. Run.

5. Lack of communication: if your potential partner is reluctant to discuss something with you, pay attention. Likewise, and equally serious, if you are told directly or indirectly, that you may not discuss something with others, or may not talk to someone else, or may not go to a particular area, be careful. Trying to "gag" someone is a sign that something is wrong.

6. A persistent bad reputation: or unwillingness to give references. This can be tricky if the person you are talking to is new online, but it is still a red flag. Or perhaps a yellow one.

7) Trashing ex-partners. When someone is constantly talking about their ex publicly in the chat rooms and on bb's, i.e., trying to ruin their rep, try to keep in mind that you might be their "ex" someday and be subjected to such treatment if things do not go the way they want. This is something that both Dom/mes and subs are frequently guilty of. Warning others of potential danger from an ex-partner is obviously a different case.

Frequent inconsistencies. If someone often makes contradictory statements from one day to the next, like Mon. tells you s/he has no children, then on Fri., mentions his/her son's birthday or something. If a person often seems to have a lot of trouble remembering what they have said to you from one day to the next, it could be that they are telling a lot of people a lot of different things.

Just in general, I would encourage anyone to really try to get to know someone before making a final judgment on their character. However, caution and common sense should always rule. If you have doubts, do not give out personal information. You can still talk to this person, but be careful.
Online humiliation
Posted:Dec 28, 2018 3:37 pm
Last Updated:Dec 30, 2018 12:07 pm

Online humiliation

Online humiliation is the desire to be seen in a sexually embarrassing context on the Internet. This practice allows the submissive to seek fetish partners from across the world. As the Internet has grown and continues to grow, so does online humiliation. Anecdotal reports indicate that the proportion of men being dominated by women on the Internet, through some type of personal service provided for a fee by the woman, vastly exceeds the instances of a woman being dominated online by a man, or another woman.

Common methods of online humiliation:

Public **pillory.
Embarrassing photographic or video assignments for submissives, who must publicly post pictures or videos of their humiliation. The dominant may require public acts or exposure. Sometimes humiliating words are written on the submissive's body before photographing.
Requiring the submissive to post publicly their name, address, phone number, employer, or other personal information.
The requirement for submissives to keep online journals detailing personal information, such as masturbation frequency, thoughts or fantasies, technique or aid(s) used, and disposal of semen (if the submissive is allowed to masturbate).
The requirement for the submissive to place themselves in chastity, and to publicly post a picture showing their status.
Verbal abuse.
Publicly bidding for items that reveal their fetishes.
Money slavery, in which the submissive must buy the dominant gifts and pay the dominant's bills and taxes, or give the dominant direct access to their bank accounts and credit cards.
Homework slavery, in which the submissive must do the dominant's homework or occupational work.
Repetitive assignments, such as copying the phone book.
Humiliating the submissive by changing information on social sites.
Controlling the submissive's computer remotely, through remote desktop software the submissive is required to install.

1. a wooden framework with holes for the head and hands, in which an offender was imprisoned and exposed to public abuse.

1. put (someone) in the pillory.
2. attack or ridicule publicly.
Ways to Entertain Yourself and Your Sub in a Hotel Room Without Your Toy
Posted:Dec 28, 2018 2:53 pm
Last Updated:Jan 17, 2019 11:10 pm

Techniques And Scene Ideas
How we do what it is that we do
Ways to Entertain Yourself and Your Sub in a Hotel Room Without Your Toys

by Mistress Jet
Scenario: You are away with your SO for a period of time, be it a day or a week or more on vacation. Perhaps you are traveling with family or Vanilla friends and don't dare bring your toys, perhaps the airline "misplaced" your luggage with all your toys in it. Whatever the case you find yourself in a hotel room to so badly but nothing to with? Think again. There are myriads of things to be found in a hotel room or through room service to incorporate in your .

Just think: No whip? How about a wet towel flung across the back of a sub for flogging, or roll up the same wet towel and (remember the locker room) cracking it across the ass of said sub, with the right precision you can make it just like a single tail.

No cane? How about the lucite rod from the window blinds. (Careful not to break it though)

No nipple clamps? In the closet should be at least one pants hanger with the clips on it that slide along a bar.
No blindfold or gag? Pillow cases work wonders as hoods, blindfolds, gags etc.

Want some rubber type mummification? Take down the shower curtain and wrap your sub in it snugly.

Bondage? Take the top sheet and put it under the mattress, pull up the corners and tie to subs ankles and wrists, mattress and weight of the sub will keep them from going far. Or use sheets and lay your sub across the inevitable small table in the room and tie them to the base.

Getting hungry? Order some steaks from room service, request candles for romance. (You know what to do with the candles don't you?) The steak *hardware* should be nice for some *hardware* . Plenty of free ice from the ice machine.
Had to edit a word out and replace it with *hardware*

Want to force your male sub to wank for you but a bit painfully? Try some salt from your dinner tray and mix it with the little free conditioners in the bathroom as a lubricant. (Note: Conditioner also acts very well as a substitute for shaving gel for shaving those oh so delicate places, moisturizes the skin too). And if you want your sub to save his cum for his dessert, there is usually a very clean and disposable shower cap in most hotel rooms, or you can get one from room service.

A lot of hotels have a leather bound folder of some sort in the room for menus or wine lists or what have you. Might make a decent paddle for spanking.

Does your male sub like to have his cock squeezed and crushed a bit? (Who I kidding, it's what the Domme wants right?) How about between the pages of those huge phone books with a little added pressure from the Domme. (Try to keep the book clean though, the shower cap would work here too).

Ask room service for a shoehorn, they are usually plastic and disposable. Might make a nifty speculum or anal probe, hmm?

These were just some thoughts of what one might find in a boring hotel room, as always make sure you always safely, sanely and consensually and when you are done have your sub at least try to make the room look normal again : )
The Deer Exercise
Posted:Dec 28, 2018 11:52 am
Last Updated:Jan 17, 2019 11:10 pm

The Deer Exercise achieves four important objectives. First, it builds up the tissues of the sexual organs. Second, it draws energy up through six of the Seven Glands of the body into the pineal gland to elevate spirituality. (There is a hormone pathway that leads from the prostate, connects with the adrenal glands, and continues on to the other glands.) Concurrently, blood circulation in the abdominal area is increased. This rush of blood helps transport the nutrients and energy of the semen to the rest of the body.

When energy is brought up into the pineal gland, a chill or tingling sensation is felt to ascend through the spine to reach the head. It feels a little like an orgasm. If you feel a sensation in the area of the pineal gland, but do not feel the tingling sensation in the middle of the back, do not worry. Your sensitivity will increase with experience. If after some time you still cannot sense the progress of energy, certain problems must be taken care of first.

Self-determination is the third benefit derived from the Deer Exercise. If one gland in the Seven Gland system is functioning below par, the energy shooting up the spine will stop there. A weakness is indicated, and special attention should be given to that area. For example, if the thymus gland is functioning poorly, the energy will stop there. The energy will continue to stop there until the thymus gland is healed. When the thymus is again functioning normally, the energy will then move further up along the spine towrad the pineal gland. If the energy moves all the way up to your head during the Deer Exercise, it indicates that all the Seven Glands are functioning well and that there is no energy blockage in the body,. If you do not feel anything during the Deer Exercise, a blockage is indicated. The movement of energy can be felt by everyone if no dysfunctions are encountered.

The fourth benefit of the Deer Exercise is that it builds up sexual ability and enables the man to prolong sexual intercourse. During "ordinary" intercourse the prostate swells with semen to maximum size before ejaculating. During ejaculation, the prostate shoots out its contents in a series of contractions. Then, sexual intercourse ends. With nothing left to ejaculate, induce contractions, or maintain an erection (energy is lost during ejaculation), the man cannot continue to make love. But, if he uses the Deer Exercise to pump semen out of the prostate in small doses, pumping it in the other direction into the other glands and blood vessels, he can prolong intercourse.

Under ordinary circumstances, when the Deer Exercise is not used during intercourse, it will be harmful to interrupt orgasm or prolong intercourse by ordinary means. Under ordinary means, the prostate remains expanded for a long time, unrelieved by the pumping action of the ejaculation, until the semen is carried away by the blood stream. But the prostate is somewhat like a rubber band: it must be allowed to back to its original form, otherwise continuous extension will bring about a loss of elasticity. When the prostate loses its elasticity, its function is impaired and it is damaged. The Deer Exercise prolongs orgasm and intercourse, but it protects the prostate by relieving it.

The Deer Exercise is a physical exercise as well as a mental and spiritual exercise. It improves one's sexual abilities as it builds up the energy reserves within the body. Over time, the mental processes are heightened as well, and the outcome is often a glowing feeling of inner tranquility, which is a necessary prerequisite for the unfolding of the golden flower.
"BDSM" is the contraction of "B&D", "D&S" and "S&M".
Posted:Dec 27, 2018 7:10 am
Last Updated:Dec 30, 2018 12:01 pm

What is BDSM?

Literally, "BDSM" is the contraction of "B&D", "D&S" and "S&M". In practice the term is often used in a a more general sense to cover the range of interests common in the BDSM Scene, such as fetishes, body modification and alternative sexualities, and it implies activities done Safely, Sanely and Consensually (SSC).

Briefly, SSC means respecting your partner's body, mind and free will.

"SM" -Doesn't cover D&S

"bondage" -Doesn't cover S&M

"kinky" -Has negative connotations in some areas

"pervy" -Has negative connotations in most areas

"Wiitwd" -Not used off the Net. (means: What it is that we do)

"BDSM" is widely understood within the Scene, is not offensive to vanillas, and is sufficiently specific to be useful while being inclusive enough not to leave large group within the Scene feeling rejected.

"B&D" stand for "Bondage and Discipline".

"Controller" - one who wants to control someone's physical actions

"controlee" - one who wants thier physical actions controlled

Control can be physical (via bondage) or psychological (via discipline)

"bondage" -any form of physical restraint or hindrance.

"discipline" -the use of rules and punishment to control overt behavior.

Playing safely does not mean giving up all dangerous activities. It means taking reasonable care that you know what risks of physical harm are associated with any activities you consider trying; and, if you decide to go ahead, planning those activities with due thought to optimizing the balance between risk and reward for everybody involved..

Pay attention to what you are doing and use common sense and you'll likely be fine. In general, start out slow and PRACTICE!

What is D&S?

"D&S" stands for "Domination and Submission"

It can also be written "Ds". "D/s", "D&s" or "D/S"

"Dominant" -one who wants to dominate someone (also "dom" or "Dom")

"submissive" -one who want to submit to someone (also called sub)

Domination is the gain and use of control over a sub's emotional reactions by the manipulation of thier mind and body. This may or may not be then used to discipline their physical actions; it can be sufficient to own their soul, but tangible proof of ownership is often found enjoyable.

The difference between Discipline and Dominance is that the Disciplinarian cares that the bottom (or sub) does obey, while not mingling whether they wanted to or not. The Dominate cares that the bottom (or sub) wants to obey, and only minds whether they do actually obey in as much as it proves that they wanted to, of course someone who is into both D&S and B&D would care about both things.

What is S&M?

"S&M" stands for "Sadism and Masochism" or "Sadomasochism".

"sadist" -one who wants to inflict physical pain

"masochist" -one who wants to receive physical pain

"physical mods" -a deliberate and ornamental change in the body's structure that does not risk impairing needed functionality (eg. and ear piercing)

"physical hurt" -a painful insult to the body, causing only repairable physical damage. Any impairment must be limited to less than a finite planned maximum in magnitude and duration.

"physical harm" -physical damage that risks unacceptable or indeterminate impairment of needed functionality.

In S&M the aim is to inflict sensations (such as physical hurt) without causing physical harm.

Not everyone responds to sensations the same way.

There is NO right or wrong amount of pain to be able to withstand, nor is there a correct way it should feel to YOU.

"slave" -This may be defined several ways (the one I find most appropriate for this information is as following: someone into D&S where the relationship consists of using welded (non-removable) collars, powers of attorney and a 24/7 no safeword agreement to make it as permanent as possible.

"top" -someone who is a controller, dominant and/or sadist

"bottom" -someone who is the controlee, submissive and/or masochist

By Definition:

All Masters are Dominants

All Dominants are Tops

All slaves are submissive

All submissives are bottoms

But not necessarily vice versa, and nothing is implied about whether the player has any interest in S&M or B&D. To confuse matters further, some men will describe themselves as Masters, without being Dominant, in hope of getting to play with submissives.(I will get into the further at the bottom of the page).

"Vanilla" -something not part of the Scene. Often used to describe parts of your life, as well as people or activities. *How we (Master and i) refer to those not into the BDSM lifestyle or not into alternative sexual practices such as our).

"edge play" -There is disagreement on what this means. Some people use it to refer to play on the edge of consensual (eg pushing limits). Others mean on the edge of safety (eg play that has a significant risk of causing death or permanent damage) It can therefore be of vital importance to know which definition your potential Top is using.

*****Safe***** *****Safe***** *****Safe***** *****Safe*****

Playing safely does not mean giving up all dangerous activities. It means taking reasonable care that you know what risks of physical harm are associated with any activities you consider trying; and, if you decide to go ahead, planning those activities with due thought to optimizing the balance between risk and reward.

Pay attention to what you're doing and use common sense and you'll likely be fine. In general, start out slow and PRACTICE!

BDSM can be sexual, exciting, humorous, artistic, healing, calming or magical. Or it can be none of these things; for some people sex is intrinsically part of BDSM, while for other it is totally unconnected.

Once you actually look at people who are involved in BDSM, and at what they do, you realize that what is actually happening is a powerful expression of love, which expands into sensual realms outside the ordinary. True BDSM is consensual, strengthening, and sustaining; true degradation is NOT. Therein lies the difference, and it is truly an all important difference.

Occasional debates here revolve around the (relatively few) people who practice full-time Dominate/submissive relationships. Such relationships require lots of self-inquiry and self-examination to see that both partners are benefiting and growing. Sometimes the claim is made that such BDSM relationships are just ways for the Dominant to break down their submissive's will and to accept abuse because the submissive (according to the Dominant, and perhaps in submissive's own opinion) deserves no better. (This essentially what a wife-battering husband does: he takes control of his wife self-perception and convinces her that the abuse is the necessary price to be paid for her to remain with him; it is no more than her due. And more however, she is NOT to complain.)

This kind of relationship is NOT a consensual BDSM relationship; the Dominant in a consensual relationship listens to and respects the limits of their bottom, and does not seek to break down the bottom;s personality, but rather to build it up through the kind of relationship that both enjoy and desire.


Some people wonder how women into BDSM can consider themselves feminists. Isn't feminism about controlling your sexuality, about not submitting to anyone else, ever? Personally, I believe (and many women in the lifestyle do agree) that feminism is about empowering women to make their OWN choices, to live life their own way, without being limited by ideas about what women "Should" do or how they "ought" to behave.


The negotiation concept in the BDSM community simply means open, honest communication about what you fo and don't want. Negotiation in this sense is not a bargaining process, where one person is trying to get something at the expense of someone else; it's a win-win technique where you're both talking about what you've done and what excites and doesn't excite you, so you can feel more comfortable and turned on together.

Be communicative. Let your partner know what you want and don't want. Keep the dialogue going; watch your partner, be aware of what she or he is feeling and thinking.

Don't let yourself be pressured into anything, Be HONEST.


The simple rules:

1. Don't play with people who can't be held legally responsible for thier own actions.

2. Know what your partner's limits are (what they do and do not consent to)

3. Make sure your partner has a way to indicate that they withdraw thier consent, if they change their mind during the scene. (safeword or safe actions)

5. If you are about to do an action to them which they would have no chance to indicate their lack of consent to before it happened, and there is any doubt that they might not consent, ask them beforehand to indicate their consent explicitly.

6. If at any time you partner, while in a fit state of mind, indicates that they do not consent to your doing an action to them, or that they have withdrawn consent they previously gave, then don't do it.

7. If your partner is not in a fit state of mind to choose whether to consent or not, which can happen on occasions such as when drunk, asleep, or drugged, then it is your responsibility to take that choice for them. In general you should know not to play with them, unless you gained their explicit consent beforehand to play with them in this condition.

One exception to that would be when a masochist is so high on endorphins that they are in not fit state to judge whether to continue or not. (sub-space)


Using a safeword can be hard to do sometimes. It's important to realize that no one is perfect, and if you as a Top do something that squicks your bottom (i.e. pushes beyond your bottoms limits) it doesn't mean you're a bad lover or a bad person. It only means that you ran into a limit you didn't know what there, or you were tired or disconnected and not in tune with your bottom. It happens to everyone from time to time. If you as a top feel burned out and want to stop the scene suddenly, or you get a powerful reaction you weren't expecting and aren't sure how to continue, you can use a safeword too.

A safeword is just a communication tool, nothing more, nothing less. If you're playing intensely, it may feel hard to stop the scene, to come back from the edge via safeword... but if you need to, that's what they're for. Some Top deliberately push their bottoms until their bottoms call safeword; this way, the bottom gets the experience of using it.

**My Note: I have pushed people to say red or even cry,however,it was discussed before hand that they wanted to be pushed.If at any time they change their mind...its not worth it to continue. Not only does the bottom type person feel lousy,you might find yourself feelin the same exact way.Regretting actions taken IS NOT better than not doin them at all. The chance to do them may come about later,take your time.**
Housework -Or How To Truly Serve Your Domme by Macavity
Posted:Dec 26, 2018 6:34 am
Last Updated:Jan 17, 2019 11:10 pm

Housework- Or How To Truly Serve Your Domme by Macavity

If you are truly interested in submission and service you need to know how to clean a house and keep it that way. You probably don’t like housework. You may even hate it. Well, guess what? So does your Domme, and if you really want to please Her and show your devotion there are few better ways to do it than keeping Her place clean so She doesn’t have to. Furthermore, the less time She has to spend on housework, the more potential playtime there is. And if you have a happy Domme, who isn’t tired from housework, and has time and energy to play, you are going to be in subbie heaven.

Now it doesn’t sound like housework is very difficult to do. But if you are going to do it right it requires time, effort, and technique. Time isn’t usually a problem; at least not once you’ve got the place mostly clean. Effort is up to you, but I hope the first paragraph will sufficiently motivate you. Technique is what this article is about. Most people, women as well as men, don’t do any more than they have to to keep the place neat. If you are going to serve a lifestyle Domme, you are going to have to do a lot better. You are also going to have to learn the basics of cooking, but that’s another article.

So, you’re motivated and ready to learn, right? Ok, the first things you are going to need are cleaning supplies. There aren’t really that many that you need. Tub and tile cleaner, glass cleaner, general purpose cleaner (like 409), toilet cleaner, cleanser or softscrub, ammonia, oven cleaner, and furniture polish. You will also need a toilet bowl brush, mop, duster, vacuum cleaner, broom, dustpan, some cleaning rags, nylon scrubbers, rubber gloves, a bucket and a toothbrush. Wear some ratty clothes for cleaning, even if you dress fem. A French Maid’s costume may be a turn on in some circumstances, but you’ll only ruin it if you wear if for serious cleaning. Once you have the house in a condition where it only takes a few minutes of maintenance a day you can dress up. But a first time cleaning is almost as messy as painting, if not more so.

You should start at one end of the house or the other. Whatever room you start in, start at the ceiling and work your way down. Work from one end of the room to the other and whatever you pick up put it where it goes immediately. Never move things around more than once. Take your duster and knock down any cobwebs from the walls and ceilings. Dust whatever is on the shelves or other horizontal surfaces. Throw away any trash. Put away anything that is out of place. Use furniture polish on any appropriate wooden surfaces. Use glass cleaner on any windows, computer monitors, or television screens. Use your general purpose cleaner for anything that doesn’t wipe up by itself on non-glass surfaces.

Make sure you dust all electronic equipment; they are magnets for dust. After you clean the top of something, clean the underside. Use the toothbrush for any hard to reach areas that you can’t get to with your rag. Sweep or vacuum the floor carefully; a quick once-over will not do the trick. If you are vacuuming, move the vacuum cleaner slowly over the carpet and cover each area three times. If you are sweeping, sweep each area three times and make sure to pull any dust bunnies off the end of the broom so you don’t merely move the dirt around.

Take a cleaning rag and some cleaner and make sure the floorboards are clean. If you have a tile or wood floor you are going to have to mop it. When you mop, use a combination of ammonia and hot water. Start at the far end of the room and work your way out backwards. Mop a 3-foot by 3-foot section and wring out the mop before doing the next one. Use a scrubby pad under your shoe for anything that doesn’t come right out with the ammonia and water. When you finish mopping, dump out the dirty water and refill the bucket with pure hot water. Repeat the mopping process to clean up the ammonia and any residual dirt. When the floor dries, it’s time to apply wax. Some people prefer liquid wax, but if you are going to use it, you need to use a separate mop from your cleaning mop; otherwise the wax will interfere with your next cleaning. You can also use spray furniture wax and buff it out by hand. It makes a very nice shine. If you are really lucky and have a buffer you can use soft wax and buff it out. Buffers also can be used to loosen dirt and grime before mopping if you use the right pad. Supposedly, you can buff out soft wax by hand, but I’ve tried it many times and it just doesn’t come out very well, no matter how much elbow grease you use. When you finish one room, give yourself a quick break and some sort of reward coffee, cigarette, chocolate, etc.

This procedure should cover most of your house. But there are two rooms that require special attention: the kitchen and the bathroom. Most of the house has to be clean; these rooms need to be sanitary. Clean isn’t good enough. If your bathroom has ventilation problems like mine, you are going to need to start by mopping the ceiling with hot water and ammonia. Next, clean the tub and tile with the cleaner of your choice. For many of these cleaners you are going to need the rubber gloves. If the cleaner doesn’t get rid of all the soap scum, it’s time to break out with the cleanser and a scrubby pad. Apply a little water to the pad, sprinkle cleanser around the tub and scrub. Don’t use the ammonia water to rinse it off with. Most cleansers contain some form of chlorine bleach and the combination of bleach and ammonia produces very toxic gas. Spray the toilet bowl cleaner liberally under the rim and use the toilet brush to spread the cleaner evenly around. Use the tub and tile cleaner and clean the top of the toilet, the toilet seat, and the outside of the toilet while the bowl cleaner has a chance to work. When you are done with the outside, vigorously clean the inside of the bowl. Rinse your rubber gloves off with hot water and remove them. Clean the sink and the walls the same way you cleaned the tub and tile. Remember, start at the top and work your way down. Mop the floor as described earlier and replace any carpeting and toilet lid covers. Oh, and make sure the soap dish is clean.

The kitchen is a little easier.You won’t need rubber gloves unless you have to clean the oven. Get another bucket of ammonia and hot water. Dust the ceiling, wash the walls, open the refrigerator, get rid of anything that is moving under its own power. Remove items from shelves. Wash shelves, scrubbing where necessary, rinse shelves, replace shelves, and replace items. Clean the outside of the refrigerator. Scrub the counters. Clean the stove (this involves cleaning the drip pans under the burners), don’t ignore the sides of the stove. If the inside of the oven is dirty, clean it. If you are lucky it will be a self-cleaning model. If not, you are going to have to use oven cleaner. You will need rubber gloves for this because oven cleaner will take the skin right off you. Follow the directions on the can exactly. Clean the microwave using general purpose cleaner. Dump and refill the bucket of hot water and ammonia. Sweep the floor thoroughly and mop, rinse, and wax it. Change into some decent looking clothing and wait for your Domme to arrive or to inspect it. Remember to be thorough. The cleaner most things are, the more a dirty spot is going to show by contrast. If you’ve done your work well, you will have pleased Her. If you’ve done it poorly, you will have to do it over, possible using nothing but the toothbrush. I’ve experienced the toothbrush only method while in the Army. It doesn’t really clean any better, but it will teach you to pay attention to your work.

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