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BDSM information and Negotiation questions.

How to accept an apology
Posted:Jan 15, 2019 8:30 am
Last Updated:Jan 17, 2019 10:15 am

How to accept an apology

It takes maturity and humility to own up to your mistakes and apologize. It also takes maturity and humility to accept an apology after you’ve been wronged.

Accepting an apology and forgiving someone often doesn’t come easily, but there are ways to go handle such situations with sincerity, mindfulness and grace.

HuffPost spoke to two etiquette experts about the process. Here are five things to keep in mind when someone is offering you an apology.


When someone is apologizing to you, it’s important to give your full attention and try to really hear what the person is saying.

“Let the person speak without interruption,” said Diane Gottsman, an etiquette expert, the author of Modern Etiquette for a Better Life and the founder of the Protocol School of Texas. Interrupting or criticizing the other person can be tempting, especially if the wounds still feel fresh, but a big first step can be hearing the person out and acknowledging the apology.

“Listening and showing forgiveness does not mean it’s OK. Showing appreciation for the effort doesn’t mean all is forgotten,” she said. “You can say, ‘I appreciate your effort to acknowledge your mistake, but I some time. I hope you will understand.’”

2.Take The Time You

If you time, it’s best to be honest about that. But you can also give it a positive spin, said Lizzie Post, a co-host of the Emily Post Institute’s “Awesome Etiquette” podcast.

“Sincerely say, ‘I really appreciate hearing that. This is something that hit me hard’ or “It really felt awkward between us. still going to a little time to process, but looking forward to when this is behind us,’” she recommended. “Give them that positive hope for the future.”

The “I more time to process” aspect is personal. “It is your own thing. The other person has recognized their faults and taken responsibility and apologized to you for that,” said Post. “So now, however long it takes for you to get over it, it’s something you are working through and to figure out.”

During this time, you can still participate in the friendship or take a break from the everyday interactions for a bit ― whatever works best for you.

3. Attention To Body Language

When you’re hearing someone’s apology, take note of the person’s body language and tone of voice.

“Body language speaks volumes,” said Gottsman. “Watch carefully to decide if the words are sincere. Your intuition will generally tell you if the apology is well intentioned.”

Put simply, apologizing requires effort, and if someone seems apathetic, you probably want to take note.

4.Try To Let It Go

“Try to get it behind you. Don’t let it fester,” Post said. “There are so many things we’ve all done in our lives that we just pray people don’t hold over us. Give your friends breaks when you can.”

If it’s truly the end of a friendship, it’s best to simply say something along the lines of, “I don’t think I can move beyond this. It’s over.” Still, from an etiquette standpoint, it’s best to give people the benefit of the doubt and offer them a second chance, Post said.

Gottsman granted that if something really egregious happened, you don’t have to forgive. “I think it’s a choice, and it’s not always appropriate to accept an apology,” she said.

“But for yourself and your own piece of mind, you have to move on,” she added. “Don’t continue to dwell on it, because if it’s eating you up, it’s toxic.” Moving on is an important part of self-care and may require counseling from a friend or professional or some other kind of help.

“It’s not being selfish. It’s about living your best life, which can’t happen when you’re filled with anger or hate,” Gottsman said. “It doesn’t mean you have to be friends again, but you can accept the effort and go on with your life.”

5.Be Mindful Of Repeat Offenders

“Don’t trust a repeat offender,” said Gottsman. “Let them know you don’t have any intention of sharing another confidence but you will let it go” — for example, for the sake of a family or business relationship.

Mistakes can be forgiven, but multiple offenses for cautiousness.

“If there’s a history and they continue to do it, then at some point in time you become part of the problem because you allow it to continue to happen,” she said. “So you have to draw some clear boundaries.”

You can be honest with the other person and say, “This has become a pattern, and it’s hurtful and uncomfortable. having a trust issue,” Gottsman recommended.

Establishing boundaries and keeping your distance doesn’t have to lead to sarcasm or a falling out, especially if it’s someone in your larger circle of friends. “You can just be pleasant but distant,” Gottsman said.
Butt Plugs
Posted:Jan 11, 2019 2:00 pm
Last Updated:Jan 17, 2019 2:11 pm

Butt Plugs

Butt plugs are anal sex toys designed for the purpose of inserting and then staying in place within the rectum. They can also be used to enter and withdraw, to add even more intensity. There is a sense of fullness which butt plugs are noted for, offering both men and women additional pleasure during sex.

In BDSM scene play, the butt plug is an integral device for submission. A bound and gagged "patient" is rarely non-reactive to a butt plug being inserted, when he/she least expects it!

Anal Beads

Another variation for anal play toys comes in the design of "Anal Beads", also known as climax beads, butt beads or anal poppers. The design's concept arranges of series of "balls" (usually four to eight or so), which are made of either soft or firm-textured materials (silicone is very popular), connected in graduated sections for an exquisite sensation as it is inserted and then again pulled out of the rectum!

Anal beads are really easy to use and a butt-play favorite! The best method is to cover each bead with lube, then insert into the rectum, one bead at a time. Then leave the beads in place during the rest of session and when the "patient" is just about ready to explode into orgasm, pull them out, one by one! The resulting orgasm will most likely be a true mind blower!

Safe Play Tips
For those new to anal play, start out with smaller butt plugs or anal beads. Then gradually move up in size, as you get more familiar and experienced with the sensations.

Enjoy it... take it slow... be very gentle... and read more in our Medical Fetish Library section on Anal Play.

You can never have too much lube with Anal Play! Applicators such as Lube Shooters™ make the lube job neat and easy.

Be generous and use it freely... lube is the least expensive part of the journey and the most important part of a great ride!

And don't forget... all anal play should be handled in a clean environment and by using disposable gloves on the hands to do the insertions and removals, as well as thorough cleaning of the toys in between usages. As with all elements of anal play, cleanliness is of utmost importance. Make sure to clean your toy(s) thoroughly after using it/them, store in a dry, dust-free place.
Posted:Jan 11, 2019 1:57 pm
Last Updated:Jan 17, 2019 11:11 pm


Sounds are medical instruments designed for insertion into the urethra, the tube connecting the bladder with the outside world. Basically, they are highly polished stainless steel rods with a handle and a rounded tip, and they come in sizes which are very close to each other (differing in diameter by less than half a millimeter). In a medical setting, their purpose is to gradually and gently enlarge the urethra. In the BDSM medical fetish setting they can be a source of exceptional sexual stimulation and an instrument used in 'power exchange' or submission/domination experiences.

Incidentally, the name sound is used in the sense of 'to find the depth of' in the same way a lead weight on a line is used by mariners to sound the depth of the water.

We will only cover male sound play, here. Women's sounds are shorter, for the shorter urethra, differently shaped and have their own difficulties of insertion. Women are also even more prone to infection. Some of this information may be of relevance and interest to women, but the technical aspects are largely inapplicable. Obviously, sounds intended for use on women should not be used on men, and vice versa.

A word of caution: This kind of play is not something you should engage in with someone who is inexperienced or who does not understand all the necessary precautions. Carelessness can result in infection, injury, or other traumatic problems. You should be introduced to this kind of play in the right setting by an experienced, careful person who cares enough about you to exercise all the cautions set forth herein. This document is intended to be informational, and to discourage carelessness.

The Sounds

There is a curve in the male plumbing system; the Curve on which the Van Buren sound is designed to accommodate that curve, allowing the sound to slip down the penis and into the bladder easily. The problem is that if the bottom gets hard during the process of insertion one has to wait until the erection subsides, as the curved sound cannot be inserted (or removed!) if the penis is hard. It is not recommended to negotiate the curve with the any other sounds except the Van Buren for the prostate stimulation. The Pratt Sounds can be used for the deep dilation. The Bakes Sounds, also known as Bud Sounds are great for a unique stimulation due to their bullet/rosebud shaped tip and the Hegar Sounds are the best set for beginners, since their sizes start very thin, but graduate to very thick diameters.

The diameter of sounds, catheters and some other medical instruments is expressed in the French system. One French unit (Fr) is .33 millimeters (.3 mm for ease of discussion). Thus, an instrument which is 20 Fr is 20 x .3 = 6 mm in diameter (0.24").

Most men can, without discomfort, take a much larger sound than you might imagine. That being said however, for first timers, or those who haven't done it on a regular basis, starting out with the smaller sound diameters (i.e., 10 Fr or 14fr) and work up to the larger diameters as it feels comfortable to do so. The idea, of course, is to stretch the urethra just a bit.

The following procedure for proper cleaning and "sterilizing" the sounds is based on the fact that the sounds are used by only one person**. The sounds need to be cleaned properly before and after use to prevent bladder infections. Before actual insertion, using a tissue, scrub each of the sounds with alcohol to kill any bacteria or fungi from the air or inadvertent touching.

1. After use, the sounds are washed in a hot water/soap solution (detergents remove surface Surgical Lubricant and help break down viral coats).

2. To further clean them as sterile as possible (especially for your first usage), use a long Pyrex-type "casserole" dish that should fit the longer sounds like the Buds and Sim. Never use water straight out of the tap because it contains too much chlorine and it will immediately tarnish the metals. Use a distilled water (like used in irons for ironing clothing). Boil the water in a tea kettle first, then pour the boiling water over the sounds.
3. Then rinse the sounds and allow to dry thoroughly on a clean dry towel.

4. After processing, keep the sounds in their carrying case or in a plastic container until used again. Always wipe down with an alcohol swab before using next time.

Special NOTE to clarify about sterilization:
Sterilization using a Dynaclave (or similar "pressure cooker" type high temperature vapor cleaning systems) to sterilize instruments which are used on others, such as in a doctor's office or hospital, is always a necessity. However, you will be the only one using these (we highly recommend**!!) therefore, a complete sterilization process like this is not vital.

**HIV and AIDS viruses are basically impervious to "normal" sterilizing procedures (even Dynaclave/high temperature systems), therefore, we highly recommend that Urethral Insertables, Penis Plugs, Sounds and Sound Sets be used by only one person, always! Therefore, if you play with multiple partners, use only your own set and don't let anyone else use it!

Other Equipment for Sound Play

As well as the sounds themselves, you will need:

Generous amounts of lubricant without preservatives or nonoxynol-9, which is highly irritating to the
urethra. Surgical Lubricant or any water based lube without preservatives, additives or nonoxynol-9 is recommended.
An ordinary serving tray
A sterile, or at least freshly laundered, hand towel.
A small disposable syringe approx. 10 ml
Alcohol swabs or alcohol and cotton balls or paper tissues.
Disposable gloves.
A clean washcloth and soap.

All these items are available here on see our Products section.

A quote from one of our customer's log who recently discovered urethra sound play for himself: "Yeah, I know, many of you are thinking ..."no way"..."there can't possibly be a pee hole fetish. obviously haven't experienced the orgasmic power of having something shoved several inches deep inside your pee hole. That initial feel of terror will give way to pleasure when you sink the following device deep inside your begging pee hole."

Sound Insertion Procedure

Before Beginning:

-Relax comfortably on the back on a fairly firm table or bed; being flat is better than being in a sling. If using a bed and another person is doing the insertion, position "the patient" diagonally, genitals at the very corner, legs spread and off the bed, for easy access and close proximity to the groin. Obviously, a table is easier for another person to do the insertion. If doing this alone, the bed or table will be more than adequate!
-Wash the genitals with warm water and soap; dry gently. The objective is to remove surface bacteria.
-Spread the towel on the tray; if you have used the sterilizing technique I described above, just open the
bundle. The towel in which the sounds are wrapped is ideal. DO NOT touch the sounds except by their
handles or with clean latex gloves on.
- Arrange the sounds in order of size so that you do not have to fumble around one-handed later.
- Even with the latex gloves on, be careful what you touch after this point.
-Using a swab, scrub each of the sounds with alcohol to kill any bacteria or fungi from the air or
inadvertent touching.

Insertion Technique

The technique cannot really be learned by reading about it. This article is intended to give you an idea of what is
involved and of the pleasures which are possible. It would be best for you to attend a demonstration to actually
see the procedure, and ideally to work with an experienced top to try it out, whether you are a top or a bottom.

If you are right-handed, you will manage the instruments with your right hand; your left hand will hold the penis.

As you begin, examine the penis carefully; spread the opening gently. Estimate what is the largest size
sound which will obviously fit into the opening. You want to begin with the best fitting size possible because the larger sounds are less 'pointy' and are more gentle as they slip in.

Place a small blob of surgical lubricant right at the opening of the urethra to lubricate the passage way, then place the plastic luer tipped syringe or Lube Shooter filled with Surgical lube (or your preference of lube) into the tip of the penis. There may be some sensation from the lube, however, this sensation will pass within a minute and is nothing to worry about.

Holding the penis straight up (at a 90-degree angle from the body), gently insert the first sound about an inch.
Aim slightly toward the bottom side of the penis. The sound will have a tendency to slip in just by gravity alone.
Your job is to hold it back and guide it -- don't push! If the sound stops slipping in, stretch the penis slightly by
holding onto the loose skin; this will straighten out the urethra and allow the sound to find its way.

Never push a sound in. Gravity is the only force used. Your job is merely to guide the sound and to prevent it
from dropping in too suddenly; this is especially true until you have some experience with the technique. ALWAYS remember: the penis needs to be flaccid (NOT ERECT) during insertion and removal!

When the sound has entered about an inch more than the length of the penis, change the angle of the penis:
slowly lower it toward the testicles to form approximately a 45 degree angle; gradually raise it again. This will
negotiate the curve in the plumbing and the sound will drop into the bladder. Guide the sound with gentle
manipulation of the handle; don't push! Remember, this technique is for the Van Buren J-Style sounds.
The other style of sounds do not "drop into the bladder" because they are shorter and/or designed for urethral
stimulation and dilation only. These are the Pratt, Bakes (a.k.a., Bud or Rosebud), Hegar, etc. sound sets.

Remove the sound slowly. (One bottom told me that the removal felt like "an orgasm in slow motion.") You can
move it in and out slowly if you enjoy the sensation.

After removal, if you are ready to try the next size larger, add more Surgical lubricant as before, and go on to the next larger size. Continue in this manner, going to larger sizes until feels discomfort, which is most often due to the size of the sound. This discomfort sensation will be felt as slight burning at the tip of the penis. You can tell that you have reached the optimal size when the skin at the tip of the penis begins to stick to the sound during insertion and removal, even though well lubricated. The tissue forms a slight funnel-shape as the sound is moved. Going to a larger size after this will actually stretch the urethra (It will shrink back to its original size unless this treatment is done three or four times).

When you have removed the largest sound you intend to use, gently milk the penis to remove some of the excess Surgi-lube. Prepare the sounds to be cleaned and sterilized before subsequent use.

With the Van Buren Sounds you will discover great pleasure when the sound is inserted to a certain depth and with a gentle manipulation of the sound at this point stimulating the prostate gland intensely in a way not possible through any other sexual technique.

Most enjoy seeing the insertion, especially the sound vanishing into the penis by its own weight. Many
have expressed amazement that such a large object could go so far in without pain. There is a sense of complete submission of the most intimate orifice and a voluntary vulnerability beyond any previous experience.

If sounds are used correctly, with plenty of lubrication and without exceeding the appropriate size, there should be no real pain. There may be some initial discomfort which will give way to great pleasure after the first anxious moments.

There may be some small discomfort afterward, especially if there has been stretching: there will be a slight
burning upon urination, caused by irritation of the urethral tissues. This will pass within 24 hours, and remember to drink a lot of fluids to keep the system well flushed out.

Health and Safety Problems

What if a constriction is encountered inside the penis? If the sound obviously fits through the opening of the
penis but will not pass easily when it is inserted an inch or two, the likely cause is a band of scar tissue caused
by a previous bout of gonorrhea. This scar tissue in the urethra doesn't stretch easily; so it's recommend to use
only sizes of sounds which will pass this constriction easily. There are many tiny capillaries which surround the
urethra, blood vessels finer than a hair. When capillaries are stretched, they will sometimes leak a few blood
cells; these tinge the lubricant a light pink. This is not something to worry about. But it is a good sign that you
should probably stop for this session and resume another day.

One important caution: many often feel a strong urge to masturbate when a sound has been inserted. This must be avoided because of the likelihood of injury. The insertion of sounds produces such unusual and erotic feelings, however, control is important. Control the reflex for masturbation and do not use the sounds roughly or with force.

Infection is the most likely complication; but following the above procedures rigorously should prevent any infection problems. Shortly after the session, there will most likely be a strong urge to urinate; there may be only a little urine. This suggests only that you have stimulated the nerves which signal a full bladder. By drinking a lot of fluids, this will allow the bladder to flush out any potential bacteria. There may be a slight burning sensation upon urination for the first 12-24 hours; this signals only that you have irritated the urethra a bit. But if the burning continues, or if there is a strong need to urinate which continues for more than 24 hours, there may be a bladder infection.

If infection does occur, it can be unpleasant, but is rarely a problem if medical help is sought and normally
responds well to antibiotics. The symptoms, normally developing within a couple of days of play, include
discomfort in the bladder, a constant urge to urinate, cloudy urine and maybe feverish or a feeling of being
under the weather. Visit a doctor or a genito-urinary/STD clinic, swallow your embarrassment and tell them what
the most likely cause is. Don't put off going: infections can cause serious problems if allowed to take hold.
Make sure you're fully recovered before indulging in sound play again, and indeed any other sort of urethral or
piss play.

Compiled and edited by Medical Toys, with thanks to The Deviants Dictionary and the BDSM f.a.q. list for this info!
1 comment
"Elements of an Apology"
Posted:Jan 10, 2019 1:44 pm
Last Updated:Jan 15, 2019 9:57 am

Rudeness is inexcusable in both dominants and submissives. Even if a master orders his slave to get refreshments, the slave cannot push aside people in her way or cut in line. And a dominant may not touch someone else's property -- or even an unattached submissive -- without permission. A dominant or submissive who is rude should apologize -- truly apologize.

In "Elements of an Apology" at, the late Tammad Rimilia describes a proper apology:

... the elements of an apology are these:

1) A restatement of what it was that you did that was wrong,

2) A statement that you regret doing that wrong thing, and

3) A promise to try not to do similar things wrong in the future.

The first element allows the recipient of the apology to feel confident that the apologist is actually thinking about the same event or act that they are. The second element conveys that the apologist is keenly sorry for what they did, and the third element gives hope that the future will proceed better.

... an apology does not feel sincere unless it incorporates all three elements.

In addition to the elements which Tammad Rimilia lists, etiqutte expert Llewellyn Miller offers the following:

Acknowledging the offense
Recognizing your responsibility
Explaining why you made the mistake
Acknowledging the pain or discomfort you've caused
Showing sincere regret and genuine concern over the injury
Apologizing for the pain or discomfort
Attempting or offering to rectify the situation

A real apology does not put the blame on the injured party or someone else. A real apology does not emphasize the excuse over the regret. A real apology is not delivered in a manner that trivializes the offense.

Marsha L. Wagner offers an excellent illustration on the difference between a poor apology and a proper apology: The New York Senator Alfonse M. D'Amato mocked Judge Ito on the radio by referring to him as "Little Judge Ito" and adopting an offensive stereotypical Japanese sounding accent. The senator was widely criticized for what seemed like racial slurs and he was encouraged to apologize. In his first attempt, he issued a brief written statement through his office:

If I offended anyone, sorry. I was making fun of the pomposity of the judge and the manner in which he's dragging the trial out.

That only made the situation worse so he apologized again. This time he made the following statement personally:

here on the Senate floor to give a statement as it relates to that episode. It was a sorry episode. As an Italian-American, I have a special responsibility to be sensitive to ethnic stereotypes. I fully recognize the insensitivity of my remarks about Judge Ito. My remarks were totally wrong and inappropriate. I know better. What I did was a poor attempt at humor. I am deeply sorry for the pain that I have caused Judge Ito and others. I offer my sincere apologies.

The second apology was acceptable where the first was not.

In summary, a full apology consists of the following:

Acknowledging the offense
Admitting that the offense was wrong
Explaining why you made the mistake
Recognizing your responsibility
Acknowledging the pain or discomfort you've caused
Showing sincere regret and genuine concern over the injury
Promising to try not to make the same mistake in the future. (Or in the case of major betrayals, never to make the same mistake again.)
Apologizing for the discomfort or pain
Attempting or offering to rectify the situation
The Block Option
Posted:Jan 9, 2019 1:51 pm
Last Updated:Jan 11, 2019 1:41 pm

No,not the says BLOCK.
Which brings Me to why I write about blocking.
Social media sites have this option to stop unwanted messages and sadly on a daily basis I do in fact have to block people.

Things that get you blocked are things that are violating My online consent.
Yes there is such a thing.

My profile spells out what I looking for and what I not looking for.
Asking questions or saying things that are clearly mentioned in My profile as a NOT looking for is violating My consent and its an instant block.

Writing messages after I say no thanks,to My pussy licked with a reply maybe I might end up liking it...yah that is totally violating My consent online.

If saying it in person is violating consent its violating My online consent..
If saying i might like it in person triggers a PTSD episode you can believe reading it and now havin to write about it can make a wicked impact in a bad bad way.

If you cant restrain yourself online I will most definitely block you...I guess it is a cock block in a way.
1 comment
"Your own safety is at stake when your neighbor's wall is ablaze.
Posted:Dec 31, 2018 10:30 am
Last Updated:Jan 2, 2019 10:36 am

"Your own safety is at stake when your neighbor's
wall is ablaze."
-- Horace

In this lifestyle, it is my thought that we not only have a need to look out for our own safety, but also help in guarding the safety of others.

By this, I do not mean that we that we are necessarily responsible for the safety of others than the ones we are with, but more that we have a responsibility to our BDSM community to present education on the matter of safety.

We cannot force anyone to learn safety or to be safe. It is a personal choice each time we meet, play, or simply gather in life, or in BDSM. However, with the coming of online, it makes being a predator so much easier. It takes little to talk the talk of any lifestyle. It takes a great deal more to walk it and live it.

It is easy to allow our bodies and our hearts to over rule common sense when the need to submit or to Dominate is so strongly pressing us forward.

Submissives have asked over and over in the past--"But won't my Dominant be offended if I ask for references?" ,"Isn't it a sign that I don't trust my Dominant if I ask to see a negative HIV test?" Their comments have run the gamut--"I trust my Dominant totally, I do not need a safe person.", "My Dominant says if I need safe calls, then I do not trust him/her."

I beg to differ!!! In my opinion, a Dominant's first responsibility is the safety and well being of his submissive. This includes physical, emotional and mental well being. His concern for the her well being should lead him to enforce a strict safety policy. He should be free with the information she seeks. And might I add....if the trust has built to the point of a private meeting, the Dominant should be willing to give her his personal information as well.

Safety is a two way street. People are not safe simply because they are male. I encourage both Dom/Dommes and submissives to require information and blood work of their partners, as well as protection for at least the first 6 months.

**My own practice on safety: when I have someone here My guy is usually at work,he will text Me first and if I dont answer ( within a reasonable time,as I could be in the middle of something I just cant stop doing) he calls Me if I dont answer he knows there is something wrong. I tell My submisses/slaves that he will be doing that and I have to answer it,if they dont understand that,RED FLAG. I also aware of body fluids that cant help but leak,its a uncontrollable reaction,so knowing about STD's is important,I wear gloves sometimes anyway,it adds to the scene usually**
Red Flags
Posted:Dec 30, 2018 11:57 am
Last Updated:Dec 31, 2018 5:41 pm

Red Flags

A "Red Flag" is any indication that you should steer clear of a particular person, either Dom/me or sub. These can pop up at any time, though most often in the beginning of a potential relationship. They can be obvious or they can be subtle. Some common examples might be:

1. Inappropriate questions or comments during the initial conversations, such as "Do you want to play?" or "What are you wearing?" or "What do you look like?" or asking for your phone number immediately, etc. Such questions have nothing at all to do with D/s, but rather indicate the person is looking for cyber or phone sex. RED FLAG!

2. Moving too quickly: if the prospective Dom/me or sub seems to be in a hurry to begin a relationship, or to advance it faster than seems reasonable or comfortable for you. Like if they want to meet you within the first 10 minutes online. Trust is the cornerstone. and cannot be rushed. Clearly, there is no arbitrary time frame, but most long-lasting relationships take several weeks if not months to build before actual contact. RED FLAG!

3. Inappropriate attitude: "bow down and worship me" those who act as if every submissive must obey every so-called Dom, and begin giving or obeying orders from the word go. Or those who have the idea that each and every Tom, Dick, and Harry must be addressed as Sir, whether they know them or not. Many subs in the chat rooms do this, but respect is worth little if it is so lightly given. Both of these attitudes and practices show a poor understanding of the true dynamics of Dominance and submission. RED FLAG!

4. Safety violations: reluctance to have a safeword or other safety precautions in place, either during the first meeting or later. Run.

5. Lack of communication: if your potential partner is reluctant to discuss something with you, pay attention. Likewise, and equally serious, if you are told directly or indirectly, that you may not discuss something with others, or may not talk to someone else, or may not go to a particular area, be careful. Trying to "gag" someone is a sign that something is wrong.

6. A persistent bad reputation: or unwillingness to give references. This can be tricky if the person you are talking to is new online, but it is still a red flag. Or perhaps a yellow one.

7) Trashing ex-partners. When someone is constantly talking about their ex publicly in the chat rooms and on bb's, i.e., trying to ruin their rep, try to keep in mind that you might be their "ex" someday and be subjected to such treatment if things do not go the way they want. This is something that both Dom/mes and subs are frequently guilty of. Warning others of potential danger from an ex-partner is obviously a different case.

Frequent inconsistencies. If someone often makes contradictory statements from one day to the next, like Mon. tells you s/he has no children, then on Fri., mentions his/her son's birthday or something. If a person often seems to have a lot of trouble remembering what they have said to you from one day to the next, it could be that they are telling a lot of people a lot of different things.

Just in general, I would encourage anyone to really try to get to know someone before making a final judgment on their character. However, caution and common sense should always rule. If you have doubts, do not give out personal information. You can still talk to this person, but be careful.
Golden Shower
Posted:Dec 28, 2018 4:29 pm
Last Updated:Jan 17, 2019 11:11 pm

Safer BDSM - Golden Shower

Golden Showers (GS) (also known as Watersports (WS)) is a quite often mentioned and many questions are asked about it, esp. concerning health issues.

First of all, what is it about?
GS is a slang term for the practice of erotic peeing in order to enhance sexual intimacy. It is sometimes involved in D/s as an act of humiliation also.

Why do people do it?
There are mainly two aspects - some consider it a "dirty" act and esp. that makes it so exciting. The second aspect is that you share something very intimate with someone you are very close, something you wouldn't do with a stranger.

Urine is dirty, isn't it?
Urine has a peculiar smell that we seem to instinctively shrink from. Our bodies balance our dissolved minerals by eliminating excesses. We also to rid ourselves of a compound called urea. We instinctively know from the odor that, no matter how thirsty we are, drinking urine will render our elimination strategy useless. But that doesn't make our urine dirty - in fact - urine is nearly sterile when it leaves our body and one of our medically cleanest body fluids.
But "nearly sterile" doesn't mean it is completely innocuous - the urine can pick up bacteria from a urinary infection along the urethra (urogenital tract) (an infection you sometimes even don't notice). This might be a health aspect to be considered when you intend to drink another persons urine. Whether Hepatitis Virus can be transferred or not is still unclear.
Urine of women, who use the birth control pill, contains female hormones, which can lead to a partial feminization when being consumed by a man (a strange case has been documented, Source: - Papiertiger).

Urine is a compound of 99% water, some minerals (mostly salt, some magnesium, calcium, potassium and phosphate), uric acid, little ammonia and some vitamin C and B complex. Nothing harmful or toxic.

Yikes, but it still smells!
To prevent any "offensive" smell you or your partner shouldn't drink any alcoholic beverages, coffee or tea a few hours before you want to do it. Also food with lots of protein causes a lot of byproducts which can cause the odor. Best is to drink a lot of simple table water a few hours before you want to .
A small amount of alcohol can be useful for dissolving inhibitions over what you plan to do. But large amounts of alcohol detract from the sexual pleasure and ability.

The use of your own morning urine is considered a great method of healing wounds and often recommended by healers/MDs lately

Some people even drink their own morning urine as healing portion every morning.

All in all one can say it is much safer than for example anal sex which has more risks of infections and injuries.

A warning anyway, urine is a rather bad environment for HIV viruses (Human Immunodeficiency Virus), but an HIV/AIDS test should always be done if you consider things like GS with your (new) partner. An HIV test can be done rather anonymously (without visiting your local doctor) when making a blood donor. They check your blood for HIV viruses and other STDs and infections and you'll get a document.
Common myths about D/s:
Posted:Dec 28, 2018 3:29 pm
Last Updated:Jan 17, 2019 11:11 pm

Common myths about D/s:

Dominants are naturally cruel people.
submissives are naturally weak-willed "doormats."
submissives are attempting to re-live childhood abuse.
Women who are into D/s are nymphomaniacs, or indiscriminate sex partners.
D/s is usually a case of "role-reversal" with people who have much power and responsibility in real life often preferring a submissive role.

There is little or no factual evidence to support any of these concepts; submissives and Dominants come from a broad spectrum of society and most people into BDSM are very selective about who they play with. Considering the risks, this is not surprising. The idea that submissive women are sexually indiscriminate likely stems from pornographic fiction and the appeal of an insatiable partner who will do anything one commands. In real life this is rarely the case.

There is no evidence that people into D/s or BDSM have any greater history of childhood abuse than the general populace, but as people who were abused as children are more likely to seek professional help, these are the ones that professionals see and write about.

The "role-reversal" myth likely stems from studies done in the 1950's which found that most of the clients in houses of domination were wealthy, powerful men. This is probably more due to the high fees charged in such houses (often $200-$5,000 a session) than a dearth of impoverished submissives. There are many poor submissives and wealthy Dominants.
Common Sense In D/s
Posted:Dec 28, 2018 11:40 am
Last Updated:Dec 28, 2018 11:44 am

Common Sense In Dom - sub

The bottom line to success in D/s type of relationship is the same as any – common sense. Common sense means you think and apply logic to all you hear. It means you think, and question again and again. You trust your gut feelings. All of that is what common sense is.

A submissive has to remember she is a person with rights and a mind and must use it. A Dom has to remember the same thing about himself as well as the submissive. A woman’/man’s submission and respect is not owed to just any man/woman claiming to be a Dom/Domme.

If you have never taken complete control of another person and experienced TPE, you are not a Dominant. But, you have dominant desires and urges, it is your nature or life experience has made you this way. Since you were not born with the knowledge, techniques, skill and imagination required to take control from a submissive. As a submissive, you have not had the experience and growth required in total surrender of all control and power with a Dom/Domme, you are not ready to take the role on without learning the basics first. Here are a few baby steps you must take without skipping to a first meet and session:

1. Ask yourself and expect to be asked by many experienced people delving questions such as:
a. What do you expect to get from D/s or BDSM?
b. What draws you to it?
c. Why do you feel you can only fulfill your needs in a D/s relationship?

You cannot possibly know what you want from another until you know what you wish to experience within yourself.

2. The next is to learn as much as possible about the choices opening up to you with BDSM. You can ask a thousand people within the community and they will give you a different answer for each question.

3. You will learn one universal truth, each couple creates their own definition of D/s and the roles they hold within their particular relationship. Do not be afraid to search for a partner who shares your views, values and philosophy of D/s.

4. Never settle for less than what you know you want.

Private male domination

You will come across websites and Emails telling you how to tell if you are a Dom or a sub. No one can tell you what you are. There are no easy answers and you should run from anyone who professes to know what you are or that they have the only definition of DS. You must decide for yourself if you are drawn to physical sensation to the point of extreme edge or if you just want to Tarzan and Jane. You must learn for yourself the differences between a Sadist, masochist, Dominant, submissive, Master, slave, Top, Bottom and where your needs fit into these options. And yes, there is a very large difference between them all.

There are 2 kinds of people you must learn to weed through out of the legitimate men and women you will meet:

Predators and wannabes – these cancers of our society are in all the chat rooms. They have found the Internet to be a happy hunting ground for the gullible and lonely. D/s is not the only areas you find them, but they are here and have picked up on just enough of the lingo to try to pass for legitimate, experienced D/s people. They want to meet you ASAP and often commit assault, battery and extortion with the belief you will have trouble prosecuting a man/woman you agreed to meet in a hotel or gave all your info to.

If you are married you are vulnerable as well to extortion and the like.

A sadist in the purist form who has not grasped the idea of consensual may hide under this as well. These guys also hang out in clubs looking for an easy mark, it never changes. Many of these people (both male and female) are often pathological liars who live on the Internet spinning fantasies of their experience, their love for the woman who speaks to them and basically everything to keep you hanging.

The end result is they often disappear after leading the woman on for months or meet her and have sex (get blowjobs as part of your submission) and then things fall apart afterward. Some feel they are harmless since all they do is lead you on with cyber sex and online D/s. These same people role in rooms where they “cyber whip” and subs pour ale for their Masters. They often have profiles that sound like a passage from Dungeons and Dragons or Gor chronicles. Pretty much all they know of D/S is what they have read in books and played online. In R/T these people answer ads or run ads and often just are out to get sex from women they think are easy marks.

Domination of submissive by her Master

How do you avoid them? First thing is the warning signs:

1. Instant messages from strangers – no self respecting, experienced Dominant or submissive would PM you without ever having established some rapport in a chat room. Predators, Wannabes and bored Snerts are the ones who PM you in an attempt to talk. They find you three ways. One, they just hit the “who’s chatting” button for a room and then PM anyone they think is a female (many are too lame to read your profile). Two, they PM you from inside the chat room after they figure out who you are. Three, they do an advanced search for any and all women online with the key words “submissive,” “D/s,” “Surrender,” etc.

2. Me Sir! – No experienced Dom/Master will tell you to him Master or Sir, Lord without having met you and established a D/s relationship. To many in the D/s community this is equivalent to calling a man you met online, Husband. It is a position of respect and commitment not to be thrown around lightly. If you are talking to someone who is encouraging this title use and you have not met them in person and covered basics, you are with a Wannabe… period!

3. Online collaring and/or assignments – try to imagine an email sent out by a “Dom” who gives assignments to his “sub” each day with the comment that “one day, they will meet.” His contention is that if a woman does this or is attracted to doing these assignments, she is a submissive if not?

BDSM Dating

No one has any business giving you any orders or assignments without having established a foundation of trust and mutual knowledge of one another as people first. Real Doms don’t demand or even want your submission after meeting only once. Real Doms get to know you and know that total submission takes time. The faster you are pushed for obedience, etc., the more your “common sense alarms” should be going off.

Beware of the “Mentors and Trainers” that abound on the Internet. This is another term for “let me use you without commitment.” Do you a mentor or trainer to “date” to find a boyfriend or a husband or spouse? No – Life teaches you – and the same is true in D/s you will learn from many – to “commit” to one, even as a trainer, is a commitment you aren’t ready to make. No one could have “trained” my wife/sub to surrender to me as I wish. You will find that there are many goodhearted people online who will freely share their knowledge and experience without the for titles or blowjobs. Stay clear of those who put in their screen name and profile “trainer”… “mentor”… “protector”. Anyone who knows their true value and the contribution they are making to you does not a title. The real teachers out there are your peers, yourself, and the right person when the time comes.

If you are single, be cautious of all the married people who want a Dom/sub on the side. Use every means possible to be sure of the honesty of the person before you get caught up in their life. If you are married be honest about your position and be cautious of who you reach out to. You also to define whether you are polyamorous or monogamous. Take every step possible to know where the potential Dom/sub you are talking to is coming from on these values and others. It is not part of your submission to sell yourself short, settle or be used.

To Doms/Dommes, you must admit to your inexperience and welcome any input you may get from all you speak to. There are social groups and societies in many metropolitan areas that offer classes and seminars on techniques to assure a safe experience for both you and your sub. Do not be afraid of being with an experienced sub. Remember that there are real experienced Doms/Dommes and subs online who will catch on to any attempt to pass yourself off as well seasoned and out you to the new subs.

To subs, you must listen closely to all who caution you with safety issues above all else. close attention to the warning signs of predators and wannabes. There are no exceptions. No matter how nice and understanding a person seems, you got to listen to the warning signs.

Beware of “Doms” who focus their search on new subs, there is a reason for it and it lacks nobility and honor. Invite a potential Dom/Domme into a chatroom where you have been a few times and let the others feel him out. Never let a “Dom/Domme” you have never met and have no committed relationship with you tell you that you cannot take IM’s, you can’t go into certain rooms and you must put that you belong to him in your profile. This would be a wannabe.

Last of all, to both Dom/sub… read anything you can and watch in the rooms that do not role . Discussion rooms that take on topics and feel free to ask questions. Good luck and be safe. Please feel free to forward this to anyone who may benefit from it.

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