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Queen Sassys Blog

BDSM information and Negotiation questions.

Drop
Posted:Feb 28, 2019 7:30 am
Last Updated:Mar 18, 2019 8:32 pm
167 Views

For those of us who don't know, DROP is the physical and emotional reaction to the drop in endorphins and adrenaline we induce through and intense situations. It can lead to the light floaty feeling called sub space...which isnt just for submissive types,this includes masochists,sadists etc. It can make you feel depressed and bring flu-like symptoms. The range of symptoms is wide.

I've heard it related to withdrawal from controlled substances. It can get bad. It's also believed to be more common in long term relationships than in casual encounters.

Physical Symptoms

fatigue
crying
aches and pains
stomach aches
cold hands and/or feet
stiffness
cravings for sweets

Emotional Symptoms

sadness or melancholy
anxiety
agitation
depression
fear
confusion
guilt
shame

My Sadist of 3 and I had 5 days together 3 of which were heavy scenes.I still have marks all over a week later type of heavy. My symptoms didnt even start until Sunday and then hard in full force on Monday,today I feel back to Myself,after lots of sleep,limited social media,watching TV and My favorite foods,coffee and water. Being able to talk to someone about the empty feelin is extremely helpful to get past the sadness.

Take care of Y/yourselves out there.
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When I tell you I have C-PTSD
Posted:Feb 13, 2019 8:41 pm
Last Updated:Feb 15, 2019 11:40 am
276 Views

When I tell you I have C-PTSD from being abused by My alcoholic it is NOT an invite to ask Me to help you get the feeling you got from being abused.
It might not be a trigger for you but is sure as hell is for Me.

When I say I have C-PTSD from many years of sperm donor sexually assaulting Me,it is NOT an invite to ask Me to r**e your ass.
Its not a trigger for you that is great...I spent an hour crying....Thanks for caring.

I have no judgements about people who get their kicks that way...
Dont throw My day into a tailspin because your needs are all that matters ,after all, you say you want to serve Me...serve Me by knowing what C-PTSD is and not doing harm by saying and asking for things that are clearly not what I am interested in.
1 comment
SOME GENERAL TERMS FOR THE THINGS WE DO
Posted:Feb 8, 2019 8:16 am
Last Updated:Mar 18, 2019 8:32 pm
370 Views

SOME GENERAL TERMS FOR THE THINGS WE DO

(a section concerning specific activities
and what they involve will follow later on)

S&M- The other way to understand the term. As said above, this often refers to the -physical- pain given and received. See SADIST, MASOCHIST, below.



BONDAGE- The practice of restraining your victim. This most commonly involves rope, but can also involve chains, leather straps, &c., and in the case of He Who Must Be Obeyed and other creatively inclined minds, can include anything from gift ribbon to bungee cords to Saran Wrap.



FETISH- A sexual fixation on a particular object, activity, scenario, &c. As far as I am aware, the clinical definition of fetish is something that must be present to achieve orgasm. People who do wiitwd will use the term fetish to describe both a fixation of this magnitude and fixations which are more in the line of extremely strong turn-ons but aren’t strictly speaking -necessary- to enjoyment. Frequently the usage is similar to saying "he/she has a real thing for.......". For the purposes of this column, we will use the term fetish to denote both something that is necessary for enjoyment and something that someone "has a thing for", and which meaning is implied will no doubt be apparent from the context.



DOMINANCE- See DOMINANT below. Dominance basically means that one has been given some measure of control by the submissive person (this level obviously varies) and in exchange for the submissive’s obedience, the dominant takes control and assumes the responsibility of caring for the submissive and for both partners’ general well-being, either for the purpose of a SCENE (see below) or for a longer period of time.



SUBMISSION- See SUBMISSIVE below. Submission involves the gift of some level of power/control by the submissive to the dominant, and the gift of obedience. In return, the submissive will be cared and provided for, and (hopefully) lavished with attention and sensation, either during a SCENE (see below) or for a longer period of time.



DOMSPACE- This can mean one of two things. Which one will usually be apparent from context.

1. It is often used in the sense of entering a DOMINANT frame of mind. The vast majority of DOMINANTS don’t feel DOMINANT all the time, but only at certain times and situations or under certain circumstances. A deliberate effort must often be made in order to -access- this particular area of consciousness. This is also often referred to as being in a DOMINANT HEADSPACE.

2.DOMSPACE also has another meaning which is analogous to the second meaning of SUBSPACE below, and just as difficult to describe (even more so for me, because at least SUBSPACE is something I have experienced). It is when the DOMINANT becomes so intensely focused on the PLAY (see above) that they feel as if they are in themselves, outside of themselves observing, and also gloriously one with the SUBMISSIVE/BOTTOM. Like SUBSPACE, it is a transcendant and overwhelming state.



SUBSPACE- This can mean one of two things. Which one will usually be apparent from context.

1. The vast majority of SUBMISSIVES (see below) are not in a SUBMISSIVE frame of mind all the time, but only under certain circumstances, at certain times and situations &c. Like the DOMINANT, the SUBMISSIVE must also make a deliberate effort to access this part of their consciousness. This is also often referred to as being in a SUBMISSIVE HEADSPACE.

2. SUBSPACE has another meaning which is considerably more difficult to define, especially for those who have never been there. The best way I know how to describe it is that it is like a spiritually transcendent state of complete and overwhelming bliss, the aftereffects of which can last for hours and even days. I have heard it referred to as "a spiritual ". While this is happening, the SUBMISSIVE/BOTTOM is often said to be FLYING. It is similar to, but exponentially more intense and powerful than, what is often called "runner’s ". /Lecture Mode: On/ An understandable mistake that many, many VANILLAS (see below) make is thinking that all of this fancy stuff we do when we PLAY (see above) is solely for the purpose of a physical orgasm, that this is really just very weird and baroque foreplay. I’m not knocking orgasms, mind, I like ‘em as much as the next , but SUBSPACE and DOMSPACE are often really what we’re ultimately trying to achieve. Many of us, myself and He Who Must Be Obeyed most definitely included, are also quite fond of VANILLA (see below) sex as well, and yes, I like kissing and caressing and oral lovemaking, and come when someone stimulates my clitoris, just like the average vanilla woman does./Lecture Mode: Off/



TRAINING- Something a DOMINANT (see below) does with a SUBMISSIVE (see below). Teaching the SUBMISSIVE how you like your coffee, how to rub your feet, and all of that good stuff. Teaching the SUBMISSIVE the particular forms of etiquette you wish for them to espouse, whether it involves always sitting on the floor, always calling other DOMINANTS "Sir /Ma’am" &c, is also a part of TRAINING. TRAINING can also be used to denote the teaching of certain cues, rules, and/or signals such as the system of whistle signals that He Who Must Be Obeyed trained subaltern to obey in a timely fashion.



DISCIPLINE- DISCIPLINE can have various meanings. It can be a synonym for a system of TRAINING (see above). It can also be what happens to you when you are a bad subaltern. PLAY DISCIPLINE (or PLAY PUNISHMENT) is a term that denotes that a punishment is not serious, but strictly for fun, e.g., when He Who Must Be Obeyed bends a giggling subaltern over his knee and spanks her rather theatrically.



POWER EXCHANGE- The commonly used term for play that involves some exchange of control or power. This can occur over the course of a SCENE or for a longer period of time.



SCENE (also PLAY- see PLAYER below) - The second meaning of the word, usually used with a verb as in "to do a scene" or as a verb, e.g., sceneing (also PLAYING). This refers to performing some or all of the horrible perverted activities referred to above. A scene can be as complex or as simple as the participants deem it. It can be whacking your partner a few times with a hairbrush and then ordering them to satisfy you orally, or it can involve elaborate bondage, 500 clothespins, chains, whipped cream, knives, and large scarecrows named Sven.



LIMIT- Self-explanatory. The thing(s) a submissive can’t/won’t do. Most SUBMISSIVES or BOTTOMS start out with a jillion of these, and find that the grows lesser with time, although most people have some lines that absolutely can NEVER be crossed for various physical, mental, or emotional reasons. Those particular limits are said to be HARD LIMITS. A good TOP, DOMINANT, or SADIST (see below) will be understanding and sensitive with regard to this and not insist on pushing people past a point that will be destructive to the person’s physical/emotional health.



SQUICK- I have seen many fanciful definitions for this word. I’m not even going to attempt to outdo any of them. I will merely say that if something SQUICKs you, it is something you find so utterly loathsome that visualizing it makes you want to vomit. Also used as a noun, e.g., ‘The Spice Girls are one of my big squicks". The adjective forms are SQUICKY and SQUICKSOME.



SAFEWORD- A code word that stops the SCENE (see below) cold. Used when someone has had all they can take, or in SCENES where resistance ("no! No! STOP") is being played with, in order to distinguish a playful or in-role declaration of "stop" from a real "no, I really mean it, STOP". This obviously varies with the individuals. Some use a system of "red (stop), yellow (slow down, lessen the intensity), and green (go ahead, dammit, I love it!)", others just have one word. When the SUBMISSIVE/BOTTOM (see below) is gagged or for other reasons cannot speak, some specified signal, e.g., dropping a handkerchief, can serve as a safeword.



SSC- An acronym for "Safe, Sane, Consensual". There is naturally much disagreement as to how the individual terms safe, sane, and consensual should be defined, since obviously some level of risk is always going to be present. In some circles this term has a negative connotation, standing in as a codeword for a "gentrified" overly-safe brand of "wiitwd", in others it is completely neutral- how it is being used can be easily determined by context.
1 comment
SOME NAMES FOR THIS THANG
Posted:Feb 8, 2019 8:15 am
Last Updated:Mar 18, 2019 8:32 pm
342 Views

SOME NAMES FOR THIS THANG

WIITWD- See above. An acronym that stands for "what it is that we do". It is in very common use as being a rather non-specific term, it can be used without implying any sort of value judgements or narrow-mindedness concerning specific types of kink (merely using the term s&m will usually not suffice for this purpose, for reasons explained below- don’t worry if you’re a bit confused).



BDSM- Another common catch-all term that has much the same use. It stands for Bondage & Discipline, Dominance & Submission, Sadism & Masochism. I prefer to use the term wiitwd, myself, so from me you will see it more often than you will from He Who Must be Obeyed. I only use bdsm when I am speaking to someone who will have no clue what I mean when I say wiitwd, which isn’t you, since you read the definition. Right? Er, you read it, right?



LEATHER- Which is of course, that material that one makes coats and carseats and other nifty things out of. It is also used in a general sense to describe the people who do bdsm, wiitwd, or whatever else you it. Most commonly it is used as an adjective, e.g., LEATHER COMMUNITY, LEATHERFOLK. It does not necessarily denote a particular taste for that material.



S&M (or SM, S/M)- This can be confusing, because it is understood two ways. Many people use it both ways depending on the context, which makes things even worse for those trying to understand us. While it can be and has often been used as a catch-all term akin to the more recently coined "wiitwd" mentioned above, it is also often used to denote the -physical- activity of pain given and received. This means that when you are using S&M in a general sense, you should make well sure that those you are talking with understand it the same way, otherwise a big mess could be heading your way. We will try to avoid using it in the general sense in this column, in order to (hopefully) keep things as clear as we can.



SCENE- I didn’t know where else to put this term. It is not quite analogous to the preceding terms, rather it is roughly analogous to LEATHERFOLK or LEATHER COMMUNITY above, and when used in this way it is usually preceded by "the", as in THE SCENE . It refers to any or all aggregates/groups of people who do what it is that "we do". THE SCENE can refer generally to all people involved in "wittwd", or it can refer to all the people involved in "wiitwd" in a particular geographic area (e.g., New York scene) or with a particular sexual orientation (e.g., Gay scene). In this sense it is also frequently used as a qualifier, e.g., SCENE FOLK, SCENE PEOPLE. The word "scene" is also used as a verb, which will be discussed below.
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6 ways to heal from Ghosting
Posted:Feb 5, 2019 8:18 am
Last Updated:Mar 18, 2019 8:32 pm
427 Views

Shamelessly stolen from someplace online. We or at least I can always use ideas on how to get through the challenges of life.

So what should you do if someone you like — friend, date, potential romantic partner — pulls a disappearing act? Should you reach out and push them to explain, or simply accept the rejection and move on? Should you examine your own behavior, to try to understand what you might have done to create the problem? Do you need to figure out what’s wrong with the person who “ghosted” you?

The first step in deciding how to handle it involves understanding why the loss of a brief connection with another person can take up so much space in your psyche.

Although you may have felt intensely connected to the person who has disappeared, in many instances, it isn’t the loss of the relationship or even of the person that you are upset about. It’s the sudden interruption of your good feelings, the destruction of your hopes and dreams, and your deflated positive feeling about yourself. You thought it was going well. You were fantasizing about a possible future with this person. You thought he or she really liked you. And suddenly the rug was pulled out from under your feet. The relationship ended with a thud, your daydreams were cruelly cut off, and you were left with . . . what?

The immediate reaction to having a good feeling suddenly and inexplicably disrupted by someone else is to feel shame. Add to that natural reaction the feeling of embarrassment at having thought someone was as interested in you as you were in them — or even of just being dumped by someone without warning — and you have one of the reasons that your brain keeps working overtime on this relationship that turns out not to be a relationship.

Shame is one of the first responses of our brain when something or someone interrupts us in the middle of doing something we are enjoying, says Silvan Tomkins, an early student of emotions. And when we feel shame, we have trouble letting go. We want to undo the situation, so that we can go back to feeling good.

Shame is one of the reasons we look for ways to criticize the person who has ghosted us. Viewing them as rude, unkind, immature, or untruthful can relieve your worry that you imagined something more in the relationship, maybe something that wasn’t really there. Telling yourself that the person was a jerk can help you break the connection and repair your self-esteem. So can deciding that that they are afraid of commitment — you didn't misread the signs — and that the relationship was moving forward, but they just weren’t able to handle it.

No matter how you explain it to yourself, though, your psyche is trying to undo the sense of disruption of the good feelings. Shame is a reaction to having a circuit in your emotional system broken, and your next task is to repair the circuit so that you can move on with your life.

Some research has shown that emotional pain and physical pain share a of neural pathways. Italian neuroscientists Giovanni Novembre, Marco Zanon, and Giorgia Silani have confirmed previous findings that the pain of social rejection and physical pain can activate the same regions of the brain.

The truth is that you are probably doing some of the work that you need to do already. But just to help you out in the process, here are some specific activities that can help.

1. Acknowledge that it hurts.
You might not even care for the ghoster, but you had hope that something might evolve from the relationship; or you were just having fun; or you feel misled; or you feel exposed, either by how you behaved with the person or what you said to your friends afterward. In any of these situations, the rupture of the potential and of your own good feelings may hurt more than the loss of the actual person. That’s okay. It still hurts.

2. Offer yourself some understanding and sympathy.
You are feeling a normal, healthy human emotion. That’s good. It means you’re engaged in the world, in relationships, and in your life.

3. Talk about it.
Research has shown that putting our thoughts and feelings into words to another person can change our brain patterns, getting us out of difficult ruts and helping us to process painful experiences. As I explain here, this is one of the reasons talk therapy works, but it’s also why talking to friends and family can help us get through difficult times.

4. Take care of your mind and your body.
Numerous researchers have shown that doing the basic work of eating well, getting enough sleep, and getting some exercise is important to managing psychic pain. Mind-body practices, like yoga, mindfulness, and meditation, can lower the body’s production of stress hormones, reduce physical and emotional strain, and even alter some of the neural pathways that cause emotional pain. You can read some interesting discussions of the ways that mindfulness affects our emotions and our bodies by clicking here and here.

5. Even if it isn't something you would do, it can help you to move on if you make some room for the possibility that the person who ghosted you thought that he or she was doing the right thing.
It may have been cowardly, but I have been told by some people who have ghosted someone else that they believed it was the easiest way to let the other person down. "It's better than some lame excuse that just makes the other person feel bad anyway," said one woman. "The message gets across."

6. Let it go.
Whatever happened, you will feel better when you move on. Of course, you can’t do it until you’re ready, and give yourself permission to take care of yourself and move at your own pace, not anyone else’s. But as the old saying goes, the best thing to do when a horse has thrown you is to get back in the saddle as quickly as possible. It’s normal to be worried about being thrown again, but when you’re happily dating someone else, the ghoster will be nothing more than a ghost in your distant memory.
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4 Reasons People Ghost Their Way Out of Relationships
Posted:Feb 5, 2019 8:16 am
Last Updated:Mar 18, 2019 8:32 pm
424 Views

4 Reasons People Ghost Their Way Out of Relationships

C'mon,People just grow a pair and say no longer interested its pretty fuckin simple really.Rip the band aid off and go on with life.
As someone who already worries about saying/doin the wrong things,yes even Dominants have self doubt,this has helped Me to understand ghosting. I hope others find some advice in this also.

4 Reasons People Ghost Their Way Out of Relationships~
Understanding "why" may help some to recover and others to avoid doing it.

Ghosting is when you suddenly disappear from the life of the person you have been dating. You stop responding to phone calls or texts, with no explanation. Although it has always been a risk in the realm of dating, it has become extremely common in recent years. The Plenty of Fish dating site conducted a survey in which they polled 800 daters from ages 18 to 33. Eighty percent of respondents reported being ghosted.

An obvious explanation for the increase in this behavior is that it is simply easier today to break up with someone by ghosting them, particularly if you met online and can avoid ever being face to face with them again. However, it is far from easy for the ghostee. Anyone who’s been ghosted knows how painful it can be. It leaves no way for the person left behind to make sense of what happened. Questions are left unanswered: “What did I do wrong?”; “Did he ever really care about me?”; and even, “Did something happen to her?” There are often lasting effects on the ghostee's self-esteem, particularly if they were already suffering from blows to their self-image. It may be helpful to understand the possible reasons.

*1. Avoidance of confrontation
By this, I mean avoiding any type of direct communication which has the possibility of angering or even upsetting another person. Many (if not most) people are conflict-avoidant and would rather walk away or change the subject than get into an argument. Fear of angry responses like yelling or criticizing, and avoidance of emotional responses (crying or just tearing up) are both extremely common. Being ghosted usually does not mean that you did anything wrong; it is more likely that the person you were dating just could not bring themselves to be direct with you. Is that a character flaw? Not in my opinion. When you consider how many people have ghosted others, it isn’t helpful to label all of them as selfish or flawed. It is a matter of emotional maturity, and that is a trait that can develop and improve over time. If you think this explanation fits your situation, you’re better off forgiving instead of judging the ghoster, and then letting go as peacefully as you can.

*2. Fear of emotional intimacy
This is the fear of actually allowing yourself to care deeply about someone, and accepting that they care deeply about you as well. It is not difficult for those with this type of fear to date for a month or even for years, as long as they are able to keep their emotional distance. (I have worked with couples married for decades who have not come to terms with their fear of emotional closeness.) The dating relationship may be stable until something provokes this fear in a way that is intolerable for the potential ghoster. This is not to say that the person who was ghosted is at fault; any of events could have triggered this subconscious fear, and these events may have been unavoidable. Fear of intimacy is a long-term problem, not easily overcome, and usually requires awareness, followed by effort, in order to overcome.

*3. Narcissistic personality style
The narcissist is not very likely to be empathic about the emotional pain of the person they are dating. Lack of empathy is a hallmark sign of narcissistic personality and is likely the reason for at least some instances of ghosting. If you have had time to get to know the person who ghosted you, you have probably seen other instances of their lack of consideration for others. What you may not have expected is that “others” included you.

*4. Fear of a violent reaction
A much less common situation occurs when the person suddenly disappearing is afraid of an aggressive reaction to a breakup statement. I would not necessarily call this ghosting but rather a self-protective behavior. It is mentioned here to clarify that there are times when sudden disappearance is the only safe way out.

Final thoughts: None of this is intended to excuse ghosting. It is hoped that a consideration of these reasons will be helpful if it has happened to you. And if you are thinking about ghosting someone, consider some kinder options. Try to be mindful of the other person's well-being, and consider how you would like to be treated if you were in their place. Maybe she or he is capable of hearing your straightforward explanation of why you need to end the relationship.


If you can’t find the words to explain your change of heart, try saying something as brief as, “This just isn’t working for me. It’s not your fault. I need to end this relationship.” I think most readers would agree that a simple statement is better than no statement at all.
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Some other interestng info
Posted:Feb 2, 2019 7:32 am
Last Updated:Feb 4, 2019 8:10 am
517 Views
Hopefully it doesnt get removed!
1 comment
I AM Mistress because....
Posted:Feb 1, 2019 8:11 am
Last Updated:Feb 2, 2019 7:30 am
475 Views
Its not because I am better than anyone else.
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Safety & Bondage
Posted:Jan 30, 2019 8:34 am
Last Updated:Feb 1, 2019 8:12 am
543 Views

Safety & Bondage

You to be aware of three major safety issues for Bondage.
They are nerves, circulation, and breathing.

Bondage that is to tight can cause nerve damage that shows up in numbness. Ask if they feel numbness. Use common sense and observe how tight the rope binds them.

In addition, blood circulation can be cut off by bondage that is to tight. Watch for coloration changes in the skin or numbness. The skin will turn cold and a purplish blue.

Chest bondage can cause difficulty in breathing and even more so if the binding is elastic. Also be careful of gags and insure they can breath through their nose. If they become upset breathing through the nose may become difficult. Be aware and don’t leave them alone.

Also be aware that some will have a panic attack (claustrophobia). Prepare for it and prepare to take action. Keep safety scissors nearby to cut them free. If you keep someone having a panic attack bound they may hurt themselves and you can rest assured that they will never trust you again.

You don’t overcome a panic attack by keeping them bound.

A note on safety scissors...They have DIFFERENT SIZES..use the RIGHT SIZE for the rope thickness you have. You can find safety scissors (they have a flat part you can put against skin and not cut them,still use care!) at wal marts and other places like a pharmacy or a place that sells medical things,like canes etc.

Have fun out there and remember safety first means no injuries later!
0 Comments
Positive things to say
Posted:Jan 24, 2019 2:11 pm
Last Updated:Jan 25, 2019 10:25 am
648 Views
Change the words a little and you can say these positive things to anyone.
3 Comments

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