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It's All Relevant

This Blog Is About This & That..

The Game
Posted:Nov 1, 2023 5:14 am
Last Updated:Mar 1, 2024 5:49 am
14752 Views
Placed upon my knees with two simple commands: “Place your hands just above my knees and do not let go. You may squeeze as hard as you need to. You will maintain eye contact at all times.”

He asks, “Do you know what I am going to do?” I answer, “Yes Sir. You are going to hurt me.” He asks “Why am I going to hurt you?” I answer, “Because you can Sir. I am yours to hurt.” He responds, “That’s right my little one. But you need me to hurt you. Don’t you little one?” I answer, “Yes Sir, I need it. I need it to hurt ”

Then He begins the nipple torture without another word. It can vary from His fingers to clothespins slowly squeezed to clover clamps with the chain slowly pulled over time.

If He sees I need encouragement or to borrow His will, He gently talks me through it.

When He is satisfied with the “peak” of the torture, He tells me how well I’ve done, and how beautiful I am like this while backing off the pressure/force.

He then tells me, “It’s time. These need to come off. And you know you will suffer. I am right here for you. Are you ready?” I answer, “Yes Sir. I am ready to suffer. Thank you, Sir.”

Understand that this moment is different. There is no escape. Even a safeword only means releasing the clamps. The pain will occur. And it will be a fucking insane pain for a few nanoseconds. But the die has been cast and safety demands release and the return of the blood flow to full force.

He describes my cries (screams?) as singing. He often tells me “That’s it, sing for me. I love your song.” And while this isn’t often the catharsis of sobs, there are tears gently streaming. And those tears running down onto my now overly sensitive nipples are their own kind of pain often followed by the warmth of His mouth leading to yet another flood of brain chemistry from adrenaline, endorphins, and oxytocin.

If you ask Him, and I have, He’d tell you that this position, hands just above his knees, close up, eyes locked gives him more of a feedback loop of my pain and endorphin rushes. The way I hold, squeeze, and release during allows Him to feel my experience as it happens, as well as see my soul.

And nipples have the bonus of releasing oxytocin, especially in the female. Oxytocin is the love and bonding hormone. It is so powerful when combined with eye contact that a newborn’s focal point is the average distance from the nipple to the eyes of its mother. There’s a reason we call it the love hormone or love drug. It’s designed to imprint the two onto each other's brain and soul.

There is a unique intimacy and connection in so simple of an act.

You don’t need decades of skill, thousands of dollars of accumulated leather toys, or a dungeon.

*All you need is trust in each other and the two-dollar pack of clothespins or a set of chained clover clamps.

~submissive-seeking.
28 Comments
Safewords.
Posted:Oct 31, 2023 7:19 am
Last Updated:Nov 3, 2023 3:34 am
13618 Views
• Safewords should be determined during negotiations, clothed, before any play takes place.

• They should be something clear and concise, something easy to remember.

• Basic and generally accepted safewords are RED, MERCY, SAFE.

• Begging is not a safeword, stop is not a safeword.

• There are such things as non-verbal safewords: a drop, finger snap, or hand gesture.

• Remember to check in: are you with Me? Do you remember your safeword?

• Use the finger spread method to let your Top know how much distress you’re in: the wider the fingers are spread the more intense the pain.
11 Comments
Observations By My Favorite Comedian
Posted:Oct 30, 2023 5:44 am
Last Updated:Mar 1, 2024 5:47 am
14916 Views
An observation by George Carlin:

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider Freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.

We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things.

We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less.

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships.

These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete.

Remember to spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever.

Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side.

Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent.

Remember, to say, 'I love you' to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you.

Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again.

Give time to love, give time to speak! And give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.

And always remember, life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by those moments that take our breath away.

George Carlin

The American Dream
watch?v=-54c0IdxZWc
23 Comments
Problem Solving For Submissives -101
Posted:Oct 30, 2023 3:42 am
Last Updated:Mar 1, 2024 5:50 am
14468 Views
You’re confused, angry, frustrated, hurt… just: *insert overwhelming emotion here*. You’re at a loss and don’t see how to fix it. You don’t want to top from the bottom. You know anger isn’t helping. You don’t know where to begin.

It may seem overly simplistic but there are a few basic things to look at when you’re having a trouble that you don’t know how to handle it. I’m not perfect, not by a long shot. (In fact I’ve got a list of past punishments to prove it.) I’m not a guru or a counselor, just a normal everyday sub who has learned, and is still learning, the hard way how to navigate things like this. However, I do have a little bit of advice about how to proceed when you feel lost, and while it may not be perfect I hope it will help even one submissive who doesn’t know how to take the next step.

1) Define the problem. First Identify the emotion. Then work to figure out what you suspect is causing you to feel that way. Ex: I feel unimportant. Why do I feel that way? When we’re in the middle of a text conversation my partner disappears without warning, or he has very little time for me when he gets home and is always busy on the weekends.

2) Check for red flags. Okay now you know what the problem is. Write it down. Use no more than one sentence. I mean it… just one sentence. Yes, it’s possible. Trust me it is. ex: “His schedule is unpredictable and busy and the lack of attention makes me feel unimportant.” Perfect- normal problem, mo red flags. Now let’s look at a different one… “He disappears for days without warning and when I ask him about it he calms me clingy, and it makes me feel unimportant” This one is not normal. Red flag. What do you do with a red flag? Assuming it’s just one red flag, you skip to step #6.

3) Find the ideal solution. Ignore practicality for a moment and say exactly what it is that you want. (Yes, I think it’s important to suspend reality a moment because seeing that the ideal isn’t obtainable, or finding that it is can be freeing) Ex: I want him to spend weekends with me, physically together, and I want to talk every night after we get home from work. I want him to let me know if he has to step away from our text conversations for more than 10 minutes.

4) Check if the solution is realistic. Now bring some reason into the equation. Letting you know when he’s stepping away during a conversation would be a reasonable request. You have to provide for the fact that sometimes it won’t be possible and you’ll have to accept an apology instead, but this is a matter of habits and behaviors, so it’s a reasonable thing to want changed. But, a Dom who is a surgeon and works long unpredictable hours can not just rearrange his schedule or quit his job to accommodate a nightly call. A Dom who has his every other weekend can not give you his full attention at those times.

5) Look for other options. Is there another way? Ahh good old compromise. As my husband is so fond of saying, “there is always a third option.” Ex: Perhaps your Dom is indeed a surgeon. Maybe he can’t call every night, but perhaps instead he can pre-record voice/video messages for you for when you’re feeling particularly needy. His schedule is unpredictable and he gets called in at odd times, or gets stuck in surgery with no way to communicate. Perhaps you decide to turn on the GPS tracker on his phone so that you can see where he is when your anxiety gets the best of your and you fear the worst.

6) Communicate! And now let’s get down to the nitty gritty. The hard part. The part nearly everyone avoids… communication. Doms aren’t mind readers. If you don’t tell them, then they won’t know.

If this is a red flag situation the communication then expect to educate. Be unequivocal. Tell them X is a need for you, and that it’s non-negotiable. If they shut you down…run. I mean it. If someone cannot tell the difference between a desire and a need, or is not open to understanding why their behavior is hurtful they are not a person you want making your decisions for you.

Assuming there are no red flags please keep in mind the dynamic. Be respectful. Speak in terms of facts and feelings. “When X happens I feel this way.” Try to avoid accusations and generalizations. “You always… You never… You don’t care about…” Give them a chance to think, and to respond. Offer up some of the solutions you’ve thought of. Do so respectfully and keep in mind the power exchange dynamic.

7) Evaluate the response. At this point they’ve heard you out and told you their view. They’ve listened to your ideas about how to move forward and now you have to ask yourself if you can you live with it. Sacrifice happens in relationships, but at some point if you feel you are compromising too much you may decide that despite how much you love this person that this just isn’t the time for you, or that you need things they can’t offer. Hopefully you won’t. Hopefully you’ll discover that most problems have alternate solutions if both parties want to find a way to make things work.

And just for good measure, when a Dom handles this sort of thing well, be sure to thank them! It’s not easy to be on the receiving end of this sort of discussion, especially when you’re meant to be in charge and keep the problems at bay. But it’s normal. The way a Dom reacts to a rational, respectful request speaks volumes about their character. So when they show you they’ve got some integrity be sure to recognize it!

#pleasurewhore
8 Comments
Sunday Morning Poetry
Posted:Oct 29, 2023 1:58 am
Last Updated:Oct 29, 2023 9:41 pm
14059 Views
She is a year ago.
She is the ache in the empty,
the first time you changed your mind
and the last time you were sorry about it.
She is a city sleeping beside you,
warm and vast and familiar, streetlights
yawning and stretching,
and you have never. You have never.
You have never loved someone like this.
She is your first stomach ache.
Your first panic attack and your
favorite cold shower.
A mountain is moving somewhere
inside of you, and her handprints are all over it.
Here. Here. Here, you love her.
In the fractured morning, full of
too tired and too sad, she is the first
foot that leaves the bed.
She is the fight in you, the winning
and the losing battle
floating like a shipwreck in your chest.
When they ask you what your favorite moment is,
You will say Her.
You will always say Her.

~Caitlyn Siehl
7 Comments
What Drives Dominance
Posted:Oct 29, 2023 1:50 am
Last Updated:Oct 29, 2023 9:56 pm
13850 Views
When I started learning about power exchange relationships, I saw two core needs: one side that needed to take control and another that needed to give it. But over time, I learned that flavors of D/s dynamics are nearly as numerous as the people in them. People come to this lifestyle for different reasons. They are driven by different core needs, and that leads them to construct the dynamic in very different ways. As I see it, dominance stems from three core needs: control, responsibility, and possession.

Control. Most Dominants crave control. But the key is in why they crave it. Some see control as a way to exercise responsibility or to maintain possession. But some just want control. My control Dominant lived for the moments where he took and I gave. Sexual control, cooking his meals, driving him for haircuts. He commanded, I obeyed. It all feels very par for the course. But over time I realized that he really just wanted the control. He accepted responsibility for me as the price for getting control. If he’d been able to control me without responsibility or ownership, I think he gladly would have.

Responsibility. Many Dominants will accept responsibility, but very few have it at the core of their dominance. These Dominants are servant leaders. They thrive on putting their submissives’ needs first and helping their submissives grow. My responsibility Dominant put his own needs aside for mine over and over. Outside the bedroom, he primarily took control when it helped to fulfill my needs. He gave me a bedtime when I wasn’t sleeping well. He gave me tasks when he knew the connection would keep me grounded. His core driving need as a Dominant was ensuring the happiness and success of his submissive.

Possession. I specifically didn’t use the word ownership here, because I think Dominants can crave ownership as a path to control, responsibility, or possession. But this is about the need for all-encompassing, unending possession of another person. My possession Dominant wanted there to be nothing he didn’t know about me. He said he owned every part of me, past and present. And he worked to eliminate every instinct I had to keep any part of myself private. On finding out I once played an instrument in high school (and still owned said instrument), he had me record myself playing it. And every time I masturbated, he had me write detailed reports of everything I did and everything I looked at or thought about. No hiding. No dignity. Yes, he exercised a great deal of control in doing this, but it wasn’t about the control itself. It was about taking possession of every part of me.

Most Dominants have varying amounts of these, rather than being purely driven by one of them. And even so, no configuration is inherently better than another. Each has its strengths and weaknesses, and there are wonderful, attentive, loving Dominants across the spectrum of these needs. But these core needs do matter. People may do the same things but for very different reasons. And while people generally look for compatibility in things (protocol, titles, fetishes), they should be looking for compatibility in the needs.

~cherishedproperty
4 Comments
How much I like you.
Posted:Oct 27, 2023 5:10 pm
Last Updated:Jan 26, 2024 4:16 am
14148 Views
Like selfies and isosceles triangles like the right angle
I like you like Tina Belcher, Sir-mix-a-lot, and contradictory thoughts like butts
Like Mac likes cheese
Like autocorrect likes changing my ducking texts
Like Fed-Ex likes bubble wrap
Like plumbers, addicts, and Popeye-like pipe
I like you like alcohol like telling secrets
I like you like churches and rednecks like sisters
Like algebra, and the Kardashians like being completely useless
Like absences, like being unexplained
Like gypsies, newlyweds, and scrubs all like TLC
Like vegans and cross-fitters like to go on and on and on and on
Like bearded men like other bearded men
I like you like cats like naps
Like lumberjacks, lesbians, sheets, and hipsters like flannel
Like beat poets like snaps
Like email accounts and Hawaiians like spam
Like Halloween and Daddy issues like excuses to dress up slutty
Like Jesus and zombies like to rise from the dead
I like you like the smoke on smokers never goes away, a lingering like
I like you like hookers and bowlers like alleys
Like bobby pins and homework like to go missing
I like you like creepers and filters like Instagram
Like music teachers and padlocks like the right key
Like the French like whine (sorry, I meant wine… no I didn’t)
Like your car and hair like bird crap
Like Canadians like the Stanley Cup, Tim Horton’s, and self-righteousness
Like heroin, sewing circles, and DJs like needles
I like you like window sills and outfielders like flies
Like the earth and on playgrounds, like spinning
I like you like Santa, the garden and johns like hoes
I like you like I endlessly like to write about how much I like you
I hope you are starting to get how much I like you
because I do
A lot

— daily-esprit-descalier
11 Comments
The Art Of Kissing
Posted:Oct 25, 2023 4:23 am
Last Updated:Oct 28, 2023 1:51 am
15447 Views
Have you ever had the type of kiss that just takes your breath away and makes you ache for more? Or perhaps it was a wet sloppy one that made you think they mistook you for an ice cream cone? I guess I find my thoughts roaming today on those exquisite kisses that had my heart racing that I could feel that quiver in the pit of my stomach making me not able to think straight it just was completely about him and that hunger for the next kiss. Yes, it can be addictive!!!

What is it that makes that kiss so amazing? Pressure? Technique? Energy? So I went looking today reading others' thoughts and ideas and found this which I thought I would share:

Here are six extra sensual kissing techniques for your kissing pleasure in 2017.

#1 Make your lover yearn for your lips.

Begin by allowing your lips to linger in front of your lover’s lips. Breathe. Feel your lover’s gentle breath linger over your lips and into and around your mouth. Take time to feel the subtle energy between you—enjoy the stillness and silence. Do not rush. Build up the yearning. Resist the temptation to bring your lips together and pull away when you feel your partner wanting you. Make them beg silently for the taste and sound of your kiss. And then, when you are ready, brush your lips up against theirs, but only slightly, giving them a taste of what’s to come.

#2 Go super slow.

Now that you’ve mastered the art of the linger, you can progress into slow kissing. Remember, kissing is quite possibly one of the most sensual and exquisite sexual acts that exist, therefore, I encourage you not to rush. Instead slow your kissing down to an excruciatingly slow pace, eventually building it up to a deeper and more intense experience.

Do not introduce the tongue straight away, begin with small slow kisses (remember to breathe, don’t hold your breath). Explore your lover’s lips. Taste them in every cell of your body. Go slowly, so slowly that you feel your partner wanting more, but know you have all the time in the world to build up the intensity.

#3 Breathe.

Using your breath during kissing allows the sexual energy to flow up through your body and chakras, eventually syncing with each other to create a beautiful flow of sexual energy that connects you at a deeper level. There’s no special breathing. Simply don’t hold your breath and when you feel it’s getting unbearably hot (and you’re so turned on you can’t stand it anymore), imagine that you are breathing the sexual energy up from your sex center (the area at your cock or pussy) and into your heart and consciousness. This is a simple practice that allows for the energy to flow through your entire body, connecting you with your lover at all three centers (not just your sex center).

#4 Alternate between slow and sensual, and hard and rough.

Now that you’ve mastered the art of slow kissing and things are getting hot and heavy, it’s time to alternate between slow kissing and firmer kissing. Introduce a harder, sexier, more predatory kiss. Perhaps you gently scratch your lover’s back while your tongue enters their mouth with more force. Perhaps your breathing is deeper, and your sounds are louder (yes, the sound is welcome during kissing). Perhaps you gently bite your lover’s lip, or you bite their neck, bringing out your wild woman/warrior who has a deep yearning to f*CK your partner. Alternate between this style of kissing, the yearning and lingering, and the slow kissing.

#5 Eye contact, eye contact, eye contact.

There is nothing sexier than a lover who looks you in the eyes and can hold your gaze. Not everyone is comfortable with this, so if the thought of it makes you cringe, I suggest you begin to get comfortable with it because eye contact is crucial for mind-blowing sensual kissing and sex. So, if you feel like the kissing is getting increasingly hot and heavy, and you want to slow down, slowly pull away, open your eyes, and wait for your lover to do the same. Now hold their gaze, and be truly present with each other. Simple eye gazing can bring about orgasm without any touching or kissing—it’s such a powerful and beautiful way of connecting and a true form of intimacy. Also, try kissing with your eyes open, this is one of the most erotic and sensual ways to connect.

#6 Use sound.

Don’t be afraid to make sounds when you are kissing. Sound activates our body so when we allow ourselves to let go and breathe, the sound of kissing is beautiful, erotic, and even more powerful. You may also find that slow, intimate kissing can bring about orgasm—and orgasm is even more powerful when sound is used as a form of expression. So let loose with the sound.
~

For many women I have spoken to they will say they can tell you they know in the first kiss whether it will be a good match or not. Can they take your breath away? And if they are a bad kisser what then? Is it a make-or-break issue?

Sits back with a smile on my lips thinking of the amazing kisses that took my breath away...Mmmmm

*Author Unknown
17 Comments
Care To Play 20 Questions?
Posted:Oct 24, 2023 5:02 am
Last Updated:Nov 9, 2023 6:58 pm
15183 Views
Most people have played the fun game of twenty questions before but sometimes it seems to me that people in the D/S lifestyle can jump into a relationship without really understanding what that amazing potential partner wants or expects. I believe we all know what that then leads to, discomfort, and possible dissolution of a new relationship. So I thought of twenty questions that I feel should be asked rather than just assumed.

1. Are you single? This is a no-brainer right but it is amazing how many people just make this assumption only to find out that Mr. or Ms. Wonderful is otherwise in a relationship.

2. What style of relationship are you seeking, monogamous, poly, or open? Once again, many people make assumptions only to be blindsided down the yellow-brick relationship road when their new partner discusses poly or adding someone to the mix or is against doing this. Rather than be caught off guard, this is a must-ask.

3. Definitions are important, so make sure to ask what dominant or submissive means to you. Within the lifestyle so many people have different ideas of what these basic terms mean, this is also a must-ask. People are quick to color a potential partner with their definitions and it is vital to understand how the other person defines lifestyle roles.

4. How long ago was your last lifestyle relationship? This is important because there could be red flags if the person is just out of a partnership. If they are, then it means determining if you feel they are relationship-ready or if you might be just the ‘rebound’ date(s).

5. Have they had a lifestyle partnership before? The person you are interested in may well claim to have been around the lifestyle for a good amount of time but it is also important to know if in that time they have experienced a relationship with the lifestyle being a part of it.

6. What do you enjoy about the lifestyle? I feel that this is important because if a person is looking for more than just play, they talk about some of the non-play parts of the lifestyle. For example, a d-type may discuss how special it is to see a submissive grow or an s-type could share they love not having to make every decision. Play might well be part of this but it can be a great way to see through someone who wants to play rather than engage in something deeper than a playship.

7. When it comes to lifestyle play, what are your must-haves? This is important, using myself as an example, I do not enjoy rope bondage at all. It is beautiful to look at when others do it but if that was something that was a must or something a potential partner enjoys, odds are, things are not going to mesh when it comes time to ‘enjoy’.

8. Safewords are critical, so please ask what are your safewords, and whether you have ever used them/had them used? Yes, I believe a D-type should have them so they could immediately stop play if it needed to stop now rather than have time lost because the submissive thought they were just ‘playing’. Submissives, if a dominant is dismissive towards safewords in any way, shape, or form, do not pass go, do not collect two hundred dollars, and never go on a date with them.

9. Ask how open are you about the lifestyle. Imagine meeting someone amazing but discovering they are completely open about the lifestyle, meaning everyone in their life knows they love them some BDSM but perhaps you are more careful with who knows your lifestyle choices. Understanding another’s openness or lack of it is very important because it can cause riffs or worse later.

10. Everyone has made horrific mistakes in past relationships, so I suggest asking, what was the worst mistake you have made as a dominant or submissive? Unless the person is new to the lifestyle, they will have a mistake to share or if they are newer, craft the question to just vanilla dating.

I am now going to suggest some very vanilla questions but I want to suggest these because it can be very easy to get caught in lifestyle questions and forget your potential relationship will have to function in the vanilla world as well.

11. Are you looking for a forever relationship or something shorter? Very often people are surprised when they discover a person they are dating is not looking for the same end goal as they are. Ask about this upfront because if they are looking for happily ever after and you are seeking happiness but not long term, there will be issues.

12. Would you be willing to move or would you want me to relocate? Many people here, find themselves in long-distance relationships but have never really put thought into the ‘end game’ of actually living together. Discover this up front and know if you are in a place to relocate or if would you require your suitor to rent the moving van. Sadly, you may find someone completely amazing but find that relocating is not an option on both ends which would leave the relationship stranded in video dating hell forever. So make sure you discover this before your dominant or submissive is just an image on your electronic device.

13. What are your goals in life? It is important that dreams and desires mesh.

14. What about those meddling ? No, I am not suggesting a Scooby Do marathon for date night but if you have , want them/more of them, or you are not someone who wants them, talk about it. In today’s world with co-parenting, single parenting, wanting to be a parent, or determined to not be a parent discussing and how they fit into a potential future is an important discussion.

15. How much alone time do they need? Some people, need alone time to recharge and others recharge by being with their partner. Discover a prospect's alone time needs before there is a brouhaha because one side feels smothered and the other cannot understand why they do not want to always be with them.

The last five are indeed what I would no-brainers but I am including them here because so often in the lifestyle people get lost in the world of spanking, floggers, and kinky fuckery while forgetting relationships happen in real life. There is a ton more than just these five questions but I am adding them here to be a reminder of this.

16. What do you do for a living? 17. What are your hobbies? 18. Share three activities you look forward to sharing with a future partner. 19. Tell me about your family. 20. What is your go-to type of music or artist?

I know this list is not a definitive guide to questions to ask in the amazing world of lifestyle dating but in my time involved in the lifestyle rodeo, sometimes it seems that people’s brains short-circuit when they meet someone truly amazing. While it is awesome to have had the honor to get to know someone like that, it takes more than amazing to make a real-world relationship work. So I hope these questions will help be a circuit breaker next time Ms. or Mr. Wonderful appears on a person’s dating radar.

©TLK2020
*Archive
13 Comments
The Sun Is Coming Up....
Posted:Oct 23, 2023 3:43 am
Last Updated:Nov 10, 2023 6:02 pm
15954 Views
“I miss the sound of your voice”

There’s something inside the anatomy of the soul, some tone that we can all replicate, the excitement we feel when we finally see someone or hear from them after so long. I know you told me to be safe, and I am. I guess it gets a little bit lonely. It’s the strangest thing. Isn’t it? Having people to talk to, but not always wanting to talk to them. Having people to be around, but not always wanting to be around people. I’ve been thinking about myself, and I had a fascinating thought about our emotions and memories of one another. I realize that my thoughts are a wild series of an apartment inside, of another apartment. Sometimes I have to split myself into many pieces, each living and breathing, all me, peeking out of the window into another set of myself—a watcher of watchers. There’s something intimate about watching yourself behave. What a beautifully torn creature, full of ideas and denials, happiness and rage, sadness and longing. Full of myself and empty at the same time— There’s something beautiful about the way we craft our mannerisms to fit in or to stand out Maybe, it’s a hypersensitive need for someone to love us openly, freely, and genuinely, or to tell them to stay the fuck away. Either I’m weird enough for you to love me or weird enough for you to stay out of my way. Either way, being me is all I’ve known, so I guess when I say

“I miss the sound of your voice”

it probably just means that I miss that piece of myself that laughed when I didn’t need to and smiled when I didn’t need to. I just felt like it. It was never forced. It was natural just to be alive. All of that spark in my eyes. That fire in my belly— I miss that part of myself too.

~M
15 Comments

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