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Twenty Years of Kink
Posted:Jun 24, 2019 8:33 am
Last Updated:Jun 24, 2019 8:37 am
I don’t remember the day or even the month, but I remember the feeling vividly. I was wandering aimlessly, searching everything and nothing, then all of a sudden there it was. I couldn’t believe my eyes. The things they were saying were things I’d thought, things I wanted, things I was too embarrassed to admit to anyone. And here they were - men and women - talking about those feelings I had, one darker than the next, and giving it - all of it - a name.


Dominance and submission.

I started reading and couldn’t stop. I flitted from room to room, watching the conversations roll by, the experiences people shared with me and other anonymous faces behind a screen. They were open and honest and raw. I don’t know how much time passed before I took an effective breath, but with it came the realization that I was not alone. I was not a freak. What I wanted - no, what I needed - was something other people wanted and needed, as well.

That was 20 years ago. Now I look back and cringe quite often, but I wouldn’t trade those years for anything. I have a lot of ‘If I knew then what I know now…’ moments, but I wouldn’t go back and do it again, because you have to go through it to learn it. You just do. Because your track is different than the next per’s, and to learn what you need to learn takes living it yourself.

So what do twenty years teach you? Here are some things I’ve learned:

*Not everyone likes the spotlight; it’s ok to live D/s very privately
*It’s ok to make things like rope bondage and tickling hard limits; it’s ok to make anything a hard limit
*Dominants can use a safeword or otherwise stop an activity
*You can be the one to walk away; you don’t have to be ‘released’ from shit
*Liars and cheaters will always lie and cheat
*Moving quickly rarely leads to longevity
*Your gut is never wrong; listen to it
*It’s ok to not look like a fetish model; most people don’t
*Sex can feel good even without orgasming
*Squirting orgasms are a bit of a parlor trick, and they don’t always feel as good as other types of orgasms
*You deserve as much pleasure as he does
*If the effort isn’t there, in the beginning, it never will be
*You can kneel in slip-on Converse just as well as you can in heels
*You can be a kick-ass submissive and not own a single piece of lingerie
*You can defer to someone and respect them as a leader even while watching *Netflix and eating steak nachos with your fingers
*Dominants can get sick and be huge babies and still be worthy of obedience and respect
*Not every Dominant is an executive with an expense account
*Submissives can make more money than their partner
*You don’t have to say ‘Daddy’ to feel it in your bones
*You can love someone and not be a match
*Toxicity isn’t gender specific
*Wanting to be wanted can lead to seriously poor decision-making
*It’s ok to demand more for yourself; having standards solidifies self-worth
*Strength is a process
*Submission doesn’t cease to exist when you’re single
*Submission doesn’t end when you hit 30 or 50 or 70
*You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do
*You can change your mind
*You can use your voice
*You have to use your voice

Every time I start to think about how things have changed over the years I have to stop and remind myself: Nothing has changed but you. Sometimes I think about that 27-year-old, that 34-year-old, hell - even that 40-year-old, and I cringe. The mistakes she made. The positions (literally and figuratively) she put herself in. How much mental and emotional energy she expended on him. How much she didn’t know.

How much more she still has to learn.

But I’ll tell you what: If the next twenty bring as much joy as the last twenty, I’m in for a helluva ride. And I want all of it - every bump and swoop and whirl. The twists and turns are what make you who you are.

And I’ve learned to like that girl.

1 comment
The Power of No
Posted:Jun 24, 2019 2:40 am
Last Updated:Jun 24, 2019 8:32 am
The instinct to grant wishes and to be generous to your sub can be hard to go against for some. This is often true for new dominants just learning. It was true for me when I first found kink. She is your good girl. You want to say YES. Truth be told, “yes” is not where the true power lies. To give her everything she wants is to remove the dominant influence over her life. She could give herself permission to entertain every impulse that comes over her, without you. To always say yes, is to make your role as her dominant - superfluous. She may as well be in charge of herself.

She will know who is in charge and be reminded of her place and her choices when you tell her NO. Saying no makes you her check and balance. Saying no sometimes is what she wants you to do.

When you tell her no, make it at appropriate times. To say no simply because you have the power to do so is disrespectful of the power she’s given you and gives the impression you don’t know what to do with that power. To say no at appropriate times, when it matters, will inform her of what you think is important for her life. It will show her how you love her, and how much you care about the thing that is getting the no.

When that opportunity to reaably deny her presents itself, don’t let it pass you by. Give her the rea she put you in charge and the gift of guidance. It is both your responsibility and your role.

Sunday Vinyl
Posted:Jun 23, 2019 2:33 pm
Last Updated:Jun 24, 2019 2:57 am
* Every Picture Tells A Story ~ Rod Stewart ~ Every Picture Tells A Story
* Fade Away ~ The Revivalists ~ The Revivalists
* Cold Cold Heart ~ Norah Jones ~ Come Away With Me
* Franklins Tower ~ Grateful Dead ~ Blues For Allah
* Truth Hurts ~ ~ Lizzo ~ Cuz I Love You
* Picture In A Frame ~ Tom Waits ~Mule Variations
* Big Eyed Fish ~ Dave Matthews Band ~ Busted Stuff
* Thaumblelina ~ The Pretenders ~ Learning To Crawl
* Highway Tune ~ Greta Van Fleet ~ From The Fires
* The Beautiful Ones ~ Prince ~ Purple Rain

Happy Sunday~
Your best kiss ever?
Posted:Jun 21, 2019 3:57 am
Last Updated:Jun 21, 2019 6:07 pm
Mine starts off like this... My best friend at the time is working in Colorado for a few weeks. While he's gone I start to have these "feelings" about him that I've never felt before. He returns from his trip and stops by my place for a beer.,When he arrives, I run up to him, jump into his arms and hug him so tight (which had never happened before) We proceed into my place and he spins me around, with one hand on the small of my back, and the other under my chin, he says"I've been waiting forever to do this" and kisses me so deeply that I actually see stars.
Something strange happens when your best friend kisses you, you fall deeply in love. That kiss lasted between three hours and fif years long. A spell was cast over me. When I came across this photo this morning I thought about that moment, before the kiss....

So, when was the last time someone kissed you until you saw stars?

Happy Friday~
The nearness of….
Posted:Jun 20, 2019 5:13 am
Last Updated:Jun 21, 2019 3:31 pm
Breathe in, breathe out. Simple really. Though it felt like I stopped hours ago and i wasn’t sure I could remember how to start again.

my fingers had lingered in that same spot for a while now, could have been days for all I knew. Exactly where he’d left them.

The need was ebbing and flowing, mostly flowing and mostly between my legs, the thought of his words sent a fresh pulse through my sex and I couldn’t stifle a moan.

He hadn’t said anything about sounds, so the whimper that followed was surely just fine. Except it didn’t feel fine really. It felt so very frustrating.

my feet were tempted to move too, well they would, except they were being more disciplined.

It was my fingers who suffered the most, needed to move so badly and it wasn’t far either. Could almost feel their closeness against my swollen flesh, could almost feel them touch me where I needed it.

Almost. Felt the heat and moisture build so close, cunt clenching aimlessly, clit reaching out to my own hand that wasn’t going anywhere.

Could sense my own arousal, my fingertips lying so close to where they wanted to stroke, and yet they wouldn’t move. Yet.

It seemed my brain couldn’t even get them to, no matter how I tried.

They wouldn’t move. Until he said so

© words: cat / be-pleasing-always
Posted:Jun 20, 2019 4:15 am
Last Updated:Jun 20, 2019 5:16 am
Words, I think, are such unpredictable creatures. No gun, no sword, no army or king will ever be more powerful than a sentence. Swords may cut and kill, but words will stab and stay, burying themselves in our bones to become corpses we carry into the future, all the time digging and failing to rip their skeletons from our flesh.

~ Uknown
Domination & submission ...A Power Exchange Relationship.
Posted:Jun 19, 2019 2:26 am
Last Updated:Jun 19, 2019 8:18 pm
If anyone were to ask what 'Dominance and submission' is, they'd receive almost as many answers as people who practice it. Simply stated, though, most would agree that D/s consists of a consensual relationship that is based around a power exchange between two people. One per is the controlling one, known as the Dominant; the other per is the controlled one and is known as the submissive (note that 'Dominant' is usually capitalized and that 'submissive' is not). The submissive gives a certain amount of 'power' to the Dominant over their lives. This can be as simple as the Dominant telling them what to wear each day or can be as complex as them having to ask the Dominant for permission to even leave the room. The important thing to note here is that we are talking about consensual relationships. The rights of the submissive are not taken from them, they are given freely during a period of negotiation.

Total Power Exchange

Arguably, the 'pinnacle' of D/s relationships is a Total Power Exchange (TPE) relationship, where the submissive gives up all control to the Dominant. Total means just that. The Dominant controls every aspect of their lives from what they wear or eat, to where they go and who they see. There are many that claim to have this, but this Researcher has seen few real examples. It should be emphasized that this is only arguably the pinnacle of D/s relationships. The other side of the coin is that every D/s relationship is just as good no matter how much power is exchanged.

Some Terms

Before we go too much further, let's define a few terms that exist within the D/s lifestyle:

• Dominant - The per who has been given some amount of control over the
submissive. Other terms describing them are Dom and Domme.

• submissive - The per who gives some amount of control to the Dominant. Other terms describing them are sub, pet, and slave.

• D/s - Dominance and submission. A power exchange relationship.

• Lifestyle - Generally those that practice D/s are part of 'the lifestyle'. It doesn't mean anything, it's just a descriptive term.

• Vanilla - a non-D/s relationship.

• 24/7 - Living a D/s relationship 24 hours a day, seven days a week. To put it another way, you are always in a power exchange relationship.

• Scene - The best way to describe this is to think of a 'scene' from a movie. This is one interaction between a Dom and a sub. It doesn't have to be sexual; all that is required is that a power exchange has taken place. Those not in a 24/7 relationship tend to have 'scenes' where the power exchange happens. Even those in 24/7 relationships can have scenes, where the exchange becomes deeper.

• Top - A per who Dominates for only a scene. If you think of it as a 'one night stand' in the D/s lifestyle you wouldn't be quite correct, but it's a good start. This doesn't mean that the Top is a 'Dominant', just that the dominate for the one scene.

• bottom - A per who is submissive for only a scene. This does not mean the per is always a submissive, just that they are submissive for the scene. See 'Top'.

• Switch - Someone who switches between the Dominant and submissive roles.

• Safewords - These are words that are used by either Dom or sub to slow down, or stop a scene. Having negotiated a safeword is very important. It means that if something is happening that makes either per uncomfortable, they can either back off a little or stop.

A Few Myths

Let's look at what a D/s relationship isn't.

D/s Isn't about Abuse
Though the point has already been made it's important to emphasize that this article is about a consensual power exchange. Whatever happens to the sub, whatever demands are made of them, they have agreed to this. If they haven't, if they never asked for this, or they don't want this, then it's an abusive relationship and is not the kind of relationship covered by this entry.

submissives Aren't always Women
If your image of a submissive is a woman, no matter how she's dressed, think again. There are a great number of male submissives out there.

submissives Aren't Weak
If someone has to have someone else run their lives for them they must be weak, right? Wrong. Many submissives are quite powerful people outside their D/s relationship: lawyers, managers, business people, police, soldiers and so on. For some, being submissive in the home, or merely in the bedroom, is a way of escaping from the normal pressures of being in charge.

D/s Isn't about Kinky Sex
Sure, D/s couples often have kinky sex. Then again, vanilla couples often do too. What defines a D/s relationship has very little to do with the methods used, so much as the power exchange. A simple 'no' when a sub asks if they can have a drink can have as much 'power' as getting them to kneel.

Entering a D/s Relationship
When two people are about to enter a D/s relationship, the first step is a negotiation. This is a period where no power exchange occurs but is a discussion where the parameters of the relationship are discussed. How much power will the Dominant have over the submissive? What hard limits do both have; that is, to what activities are one or both opposed? What will be the safewords? What will be the period of the relationship?
Often after negotiation, a contract is drawn up, setting out all of the parameters discussed. In this way, there can be no misunderstandings.

In most Western marriages, the symbols of the marriage are the wedding rings worn by the happy couple. You can probably think of a collar meaning a similar thing to a wedding ring, although in a D/s relationship it's more common for only the sub to wear a collar to show that they are owned by or bound to a Dom.
Collars come in all shapes and sizes, from a leather collar that is remarkably similar to that worn by pets, to elegant necklaces that could be worn at the classiest society ball. A collar is a symbol and is therefore as individual as the Dominant and submissive within the D/s relationship.

Why on Earth Would you Go through all This?
It seems a D/s relationship is an awful lot of work, doesn't it? Negotiation, contracts, safewords before you even get to the relationship itself. Yes, it is a lot of work, but the rewards can be worth it.

At this point, it should be noted that a D/s relationship is not for everyone. Most relationships, even vanilla ones, contain power exchanges. In some relationships, one partner is always Dominant, in other relationships whoever is Dominant changes almost constantly. That, however, doesn't mean that the whole relationship should become a D/s one. Some couples only practice D/s in the bedroom, others in the home, others all the time and some never.

Like all relationships, good communication is needed to keep a D/s relationship on track. The difference here is that it is essential to the success of a D/s relationship. The basis of a D/s relationship is trust. This is not just the trust that neither partner will cheat, but the sort of deep trust where the partners will trust each other with their lives. For the submissive, they need to trust the Dominant with their physical and mental health; to trust that the Dominant will guide and protect them. For the Dominant this means trusting that the submissive is totally truthful with them, giving them all the information they need to make good decisions.

As the communication flows more freely and the trust grows, the entire relationship becomes deeper and more fulfilling. This also applies to a vanilla relationship, but there isn't necessarily the same impetus to keep communication flowing.

Traps and Pitfalls
The submissive gives power to the Dominant. This means the submissive can open themselves to abuse. This risk can be lessened by keeping the following in mind. They're not bad guidelines for vanilla relationships either:

• Don't trust too easily. Trust is earned. Before giving someone power over you, make sure they can be trusted. Take time to learn about the per.
• Go slowly. Don't be impatient for it all to happen at once. Take it in small steps.
• Be honest. Don't say things just to please your partner. If you don't like something or are unsure, say so. By the same token, if you like it a lot, say so.
• If there is the smallest hint of abuse, back off. No matter how good your partner is in other areas, if they are abusive, leave. Sometimes we do hurt others by mistake, but if there is obvious abusive behavior, either mental or physical, then leave.
• Remember that everyone is human, and thus can make mistakes. Don't let a mistake ruin the relationship. Instead, talk about it openly, and try to learn something from it to help the relationship grow.

- Author unknown
The Hazards Of Ignoring In A D/s Relationship
Posted:Jun 18, 2019 4:57 am
Last Updated:Jun 20, 2019 6:01 pm
I wanted to write about some of the health hazards that ignoring can cause.

Ignoring your sub is NOT, I repeat NOT a form of punishment. It is a form of mental abuse. Submissives are needy by nature and if a Dom is not ready to accept that responsibility, then D/s is not for them. BDSM relationships are built on trust and communication. Doms need to keep that window open for their submissives to talk to them about anything they are worried about, and ignoring closes that. Ignoring does not discipline a submissive - it teaches them how to live without said, Dom.

Some submissives will feel rejected, angry, and can have anxiety and panic attacks. I perally know if I were ever ignored, I’d be sitting in a corner trying to calm myself down while crying my eyes out, and I know I’m not the only one. My Dom and I have a rule in our relationship - the punishment should match the transgression within the rules of Safe, Sane, and Consensual. Ignoring does not do this. It is not consensual, and it does not match the transgression. A Dom who ignores shows they are not creative or caring enough to give their sub a punishment that instructs them how to learn and move on from their mistake.

"Oh, but ignoring is the only thing that works." No, no it isn’t. Stop. You’re uncreative and lazy. It doesn’t WORK, it’s just a way for you to avoid the situation. There are ways to discipline for EVERY transgression or broken rule that are NOT abusive and do NOT include ignoring. If you honestly think ignoring is the only way, then you need to sit down with some other Doms and see what they do.

That being said, I titled this the hazards of ignoring within a D/s relationship because ignoring can go both ways. Submissives, ignoring your Dom when you’re angry or upset is destructive. Doms need submissives just as much as you need them, and a D/s relationship is a relationship, and relationships require communication or they will fail.

Ignoring problems does not answer them. If you and your Dom are in a rough spot, then you must talk it over. Doms are not telepathic. They do not know every thought or doubt, and just a little insight might help them calm your fears.

However, if you are in a relationship with a Dom and he is mistreating you, as in non-consensual manipulation and abuse, then talking it over isn’t always best. Abusive relationships are toxic and unhealthy and ignoring the per and running away, possibly getting help if you’re comfortable, is a viable option. If you honestly feel like that’s the best choice and the only choice, then you should get yourself out of that situation.

Just to recap, ignoring should not be used as a punishment. Ever. A Dom should not ever ignore a sub and a sub should be just as considerate unless they are in a toxic relationship and need a means of escape. Ignoring will lead to the destruction of a relationship.

Before I end this post, I want to cover one more topic. If you just forget to talk to your submissive for a long period of time, it doesn’t matter if you weren’t ‘ignoring’ them, it still has the SAME effects of being ignored, the EXACT SAME. Make time for your submissive and ensure that they are not being ignored and forgotten. If you are going out to do something for a long period of time, give them objectives to do and set alarms if you have to so you remember to check up on them. It’s a simple thing that can easily go unnoticed. Even a submissive can do this, such as if they went out shopping with friends with minimum contact with their Dom. I myself am guilty of doing that once, and I can tell you that Southern was very emotionally distraught and upset. It was a mistake on my part, and I should have made more time to update and talk to him - but it’s not one I will make again.

It is not too late to learn from mistakes and attempt to restore relationships. If you can, do so - but remember, ignoring is NOT a punishment or a way to make the other per want you more. It doesn’t work. They learn to live and love without you. Forgetting to talk to them can have the same consequences, although less deliberate.

Be considerate of your lover, your Dom, or your sub. Be mindful of your actions and thoughtful of the consequences, and for the love of the Gods, please please please listen to them when they are upset over something. Punishments and discipline, although not necessarily wanted by the sub, are CONSENSUAL. The submissive should trust a Dom enough to consent to be disciplined or punished for their actions so they can learn and grow. It is NOT a right, it is a privilege, and one that should be treasured and held as sacred.

~ kitdreams
Predicaments - A Peral Favorite
Posted:Jun 17, 2019 5:02 am
Last Updated:Jun 18, 2019 4:13 am
Dom’s love to challenge their subs and predicaments are a peral favorite of mine. They can be win/win, lose/lose, or simply a challenge that must be accomplished successfully depending on my emotional state and the mood of the moment. Regardless of the particulars of the predicament, one of my favorites involves manipulation and control of her orgasm.

Using the picture above as an example, the simplest challenge is the timed orgasm, instructing her to make me come within a certain period of time, or conversely to pleasure me without making me cum for a prolonged minimum period. But what really gets me going is simultaneously manipulating her pleasure and orgasm while she pleasures me, not permitting her to cum before she makes me cum, and so forth.

The real dastardly one is when I instruct her to pleasure me with her mouth while I take control of her arousal and consequent orgasm with the following conditions:

1) If she comes first, she will be spanked roundly

2) If I cum first, she doesn’t get to cum at all

3) If we come together, everyone goes home a winner

Oh the fun that I have teasing and pleasing her to the edge of orgasm, increasing the intensity of my efforts, threatening to push her over the edge as she moans and audibly pleads while sucking me hungrily, desperately trying to match my pace of orgasm to her needs for immediate release. Anything to avoid the threatened spanking. Or conversely, I love to watch her grind desperately against my hand while I moan and writhe indicating the nearness of my own release as she tries to achieve her orgasm and not be left out in the cold. Naturally, of course, I am relentless in manipulating this to my advantage. She would expect nothing less. Sometimes I want her to win, sometimes I want her to lose, and at others, I simply want the joy of coming together in a mind-shattering mutual orgasm.

Oh, the games we play and the fun we have. Predicaments are intended to have desired outcomes and yet often yield interesting and enjoyable surprises. The times when she comes first resulting in the dreaded spanking only to find that the spanking itself yields still more intense and repeated orgasms in her intensely aroused state. This may seem counter to my desires to punish as a Dom but rest assured that I still get mine, taking her from behind and spanking her ass as she simultaneously pleads for mercy and more.

Ah, the games, the rules, the predicaments, the punishments, the rewards. Such a confusing game where winners can lose and the loser can end up the ultimate victor. So difficult to tell one from the other at times. Ultimately though everyone wins in a game where we play our assigned and desired roles of Dom and sub to the hilt.

Predicaments; the challenged and the challenger. You may think you are destined to lose in a game that is clearly rigged, but I promise you, the spoils of victory are shared equally and with enthusiasm. No one goes home disappointed.

Let the games begin!

Caption © For The Love of a Sub, 2019
Beach Day
Posted:Jun 16, 2019 7:31 am
Last Updated:Jun 18, 2019 10:17 am
~ Spending some time at the shore, for my birthday. Hoping everyone is having a wonderful weekend and a Happy Fathers Day to All as well.

Take Care,

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